tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-170153682012-01-28T18:08:07.350-08:00Musings, rants, heartaches, & commentary from a soon-to-be widower after 27 years with a wonderful man.A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.comBlogger2211100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-14497525333734145422011-10-24T17:40:00.001-07:002011-10-24T18:04:37.631-07:00

As always, life grinds on and on...push the rock up, it rolls down, push it up again (rinse and repeat...).I wonder about finding meaning in life with all this grinding and rolling. I'm not talking about meaning in the abstract sense, but in the concrete sense of "here is why I get up every morning." This is not depression, mind you...just a heart and mind looking for a mission, for peace, for

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-90574065371014472562011-07-12T18:09:00.000-07:002011-07-12T18:13:50.369-07:00

Finally finished up a major project at work and am coming up for air. Work continues to be a welcome distraction from home...I prefer work to home. Work = respite for me.H continues his inexorable decline and it's hard for me to watch, as it has been for years.Sometimes, I look at H and wonder where he has gone. Yea, I know what happened, but it's strange to be around this person wearing H's

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-45830171064251662442011-05-05T17:36:00.000-07:002011-05-05T17:45:28.179-07:00

While H was up and about much more for awhile, he's now back in bed most of the time. Maybe up for just a few hours a day again. He told me that he just doesn't feel well and is very, very tired. Nice to get the gallbladder out, and that helped him a lot, but at the end of the day, he's still a very sick puppy.He's got a classic car that he has been lovingly restoring for the past 20 years or so.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-22854483551860153912011-03-02T18:41:00.000-08:002011-03-02T18:44:55.729-08:00

Now that H has had his gallbladder out, he is doing much better with eating. And he's just not in bed as much. I mean, he's up much of the day now on weekends, he's tidying up the house, and starting up long-mothballed projects.This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.It's so strange to have someone who has been in

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-39623922360443215152011-02-21T16:05:00.000-08:002011-02-21T16:09:26.089-08:00

I keep circling back to the notion that all suffering is caused by not accepting what is. Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?Stress, anger,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-49485803608589126312011-02-07T11:44:00.001-08:002011-02-07T12:09:54.303-08:00

For the first time in a long time, H told me that he was frightened last night.I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show." "I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-27612868906390687452011-02-04T14:59:00.000-08:002011-02-04T15:03:36.934-08:00

Dopa, dopaH's neurologist thinks that his shaking may be caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that produces dopamine. So, will try some Parkinson's meds to see if it helps him. And an MRI next week to see what's going on inside. Most likely, more brain damage from the virus, Dr tell us. H's other neurological symptoms are progressing as well.Why I sleep so muchI asked him

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-13219972873554839222011-01-24T13:39:00.000-08:002011-01-24T13:41:32.507-08:00

Another sick one in the houseOur remaining cat (we've lost two in the last year or so to a feline virus/cancer) now has a tumor on her belly. Sigh. More sickness in our house. We'll find out in a few days what's the deal.We were told that it's likely she'll get sick as all of the other ones died of cancer and there is a virus in the house (well, two really).So much sickness in the house.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-90223945230728024672011-01-13T14:48:00.000-08:002011-01-13T14:52:55.959-08:00

Happy New Year to my gentle readers. I'm still alive and kicking out West. H is stable, which is a nice change. And I'm spending more and more time at work…and less and less time at home, which is preferred.What to say?On a typical day, H will complain repetitively about:How sick he feels, how tired he is, how much pain he is inHow he hates taking his medsHow his dad disappointed him and has

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-27509183511413898072010-12-06T10:33:00.000-08:002010-12-06T10:38:06.996-08:00

Well, I'm trying to give y'all a more balanced view, as not all is bad in my world (although incredibly crazy)...but you know, it is still bleak with H. In many ways, my crazy job is a respite from my caregiving and issues at home. And for that I am glad that I have a distraction.It just seems that there is always a health crisis/issue with H these days...if it isn't one thing it's another. He's

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-77988018822096180192010-10-29T13:57:00.000-07:002010-10-29T14:10:57.709-07:00

Family visitsH's dad and youngest sister (G) came for a visit; they live in a far away part of the US.The occasion was a wonderful soiree for the middle sister's 50th B-day.G hasn't seen H for over two years now. Before she came up, H told her that he "is not sure he can keep doing this." And when she saw him, she was shocked at how thin and frail he was compared to two years ago, the last time

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-33141084716225732832010-10-07T13:15:00.000-07:002010-10-07T13:19:45.886-07:00

In spite of it all, H and I are better together these days.Maybe it's that the medical stuff is so routine now...even with new issues... or we've reached some type of détente in our expectations for one another. Or maybe we're both getting closer to acceptance. But on occasion and more regularly, that gentle fondness is there in the forefront and we talk, laugh, and playfully joke with bad puns..

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-22703982730139810572010-10-01T13:55:00.000-07:002010-10-01T14:01:52.993-07:00

Doctor, doctorAs expected, H's health continues to be up and down, but mostly slowly down. Most recently, he's been having stomach pain and is having a much harder time walking than ever before. Some of the walking issue is his dementia and some of it is that he has a somewhat lame leg and hand due to a stroke about 15 years ago. H said to me last night, "I'm so mad at how frail I've gotten. I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-26980750880732387852010-09-14T12:21:00.000-07:002010-09-14T12:23:26.330-07:00

A break and a new roleHad a few weeks of vacation last month and travelled a bit without H. Like before, I arranged for a trained caregiver to come in to keep an eye on him and to cook. 'Twas wonderful to get a way and when I came back, my first thought when I saw H was, "Oh my, this man is a mess...poor guy." In this case, the break gave me some perspective and increased my sympathy for him.Came

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-12143832636614445872010-08-03T16:55:00.000-07:002010-08-03T17:07:01.109-07:00

Thanks for your comments to my last post. I appreciate the helpful advice. Even tho' I crabbed a bit in my last post, I do take steps to cope.Here's how I've finally learned to cope with caregiving after 15 years of it:I have a great therapist who has experience with dementia & end of lifeI take antidepressantsI get away for one or two days a month to get a breakI get away for a week every two

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-5565720774172740162010-07-30T13:50:00.000-07:002010-07-30T13:56:24.420-07:00

Well, I've been thinking about some comments to my prior post (Snippets Again), specifically about choice when dealing with death and grief. And I thank my gentle readers for their comments.Here's the deal: yes, it is a choice to wallow in pain and grief, to a degree.But, the reality is that if I am fully present with H, as I try to be, then I am sad...both for him and for me. Simple.Sure there

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-68503228529606758832010-07-13T15:55:00.000-07:002010-07-13T15:58:25.327-07:00

Oh, the drama of it all.H has always liked reality television, such as Wife Swap, Nanny 911, etc. But now, he's completely focused on RTV (Reality TV), especially those shows that include yelling, screaming, fist fights, police takedowns, acerbic meter maids, crashes, etc. The noisier the better. Grieving in the dark.When the house is quiet at night, when H and all the animals have gone to bed,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-32378034459022738852010-06-24T12:53:00.000-07:002010-06-24T15:39:17.899-07:00

Amazing, helpful, and sad to read this.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-55186524858483514802010-06-22T17:21:00.000-07:002010-06-22T17:24:41.077-07:00

Both H and I struggled upon my return. Once I came back, had a good night's sleep, and I needed to do something for H (make dinner), all of those resentments, fatigue...the burden came rushing back...less than 24 hours after getting home.Yea, holding H in my arms was wonderful, but after the initial elation, it was the same ole, same ole feelings of "I don't want to be here. I am so done with

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-76919847740314223902010-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:002010-06-11T08:34:04.599-07:00

I've been in NYC the past week for work and have enjoyed being here in the city with my work crew. Must say, tho', that I'm far too old for the combination of working on the road, the time zone change, and the all-night party that the city can be. Yea, and a few hangovers as well.As in the past, when I was getting near to leaving on this trip, I couldn't wait to leave and get a break. And now,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-64138260614655227152010-06-01T17:56:00.000-07:002010-06-01T18:05:26.970-07:00

Not much to report these days as H's viral load continues to stay down and life grinds on.Happily, I'm heading out for a business trip next week to NYC. For the first time, I've arranged pro caregiver coverage while I'm out of town. I want someone who knows what they're looking at to keep an eye on him, help him with his meds, and cook for him. At least I can go with a clear mind, knowing that

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-47803154525791818002010-05-17T10:51:00.000-07:002010-05-17T10:53:33.185-07:00

When H is sickest, needless to say, our relationship declines. He's not cogent, feels awful, and there are other priorities.But then, when he gets better, he goes on about how our relationship isn't what he wants it to be, that it ought to be better. Yet, he doesn't remember what's happened.So, I find myself with someone who's been asleep for close to a year and then wakes up and wants their life

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-29888479957636634702010-05-06T17:08:00.000-07:002010-05-06T17:11:02.010-07:00

Last night, I talked with H about his comment: "I'm sorry that you're stuck caring for me."I thanked him for acknowledging what a difficult situation this is and I told him that I don't blame him for it. "Where we are is because of your illness, not you," I told him. "I don't blame you for this, I blame your health. I wish that it was different, but it is what it is."(Lots of conversation not

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-22602620580517485002010-05-03T16:50:00.000-07:002010-05-03T16:52:13.010-07:00

I was watching TV in the living room and I hear H talking to me from the kitchen."I'm sorry that you're stuck caring for me," he says softly.I couldn't say it's OK, because it's not. I couldn't say I'm not stuck, because I am (tho' by choice, I suppose...). I couldn't say that I don't want to do it anymore, even tho' that's true.I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-36768523959991114382010-04-27T10:26:00.000-07:002010-04-27T10:28:14.277-07:00

At his sickest, I'd get an occasional glimpse of the old H...and that would make me want more. Reminds me of taking a drag on a cigarette after having quit smoking; I always want more.And now, I get to see more of the old H...bit by bit he's coming back. So, extending my metaphor, I get to smoke the whole cigarette. Of course, I can't just smoke one; I want more and more.Now, this has happened

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-48748658830870235202010-04-15T16:10:00.000-07:002010-04-15T16:14:51.158-07:00

A few months ago, H's viral load was 330,000...the second highest that it's ever been. Now, 3 months or so into the next round of new meds, his viral load is 100. Yes, 100, no comma.Back in December and January, as I have done several times now, I was steeling myself to get hospice involved. And, like before, I made the phone calls and talked with the Drs.But a few days ago, I came home to a

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-75164520322475474322010-03-30T14:33:00.000-07:002010-03-30T14:36:38.313-07:00

Sad news...H's mom died unexpectedly last week. We're not certain, but we think the cause was an accidental overdose of pain medication.Needless to say, H is beside himself, not just because his mom died, but also because he's not able to travel to the funeral due to his health. Fastest travel times to get to the service is about 15 hours and there's just no way he's up to the travel, even if I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-3807978261250852042010-03-22T13:41:00.000-07:002010-03-22T13:52:04.829-07:00

In one year, H has gone from being able to fix food (a sandwich) and remembering to take his meds to not being able to. Went from being able to operate the washing machine to not being able to. And from using the oven to not being able to figure out the dials…the microwave is even harder for him to figure out with all the buttons on it.Given all that, he still has his moments of cogency, which

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-47736008314803185792010-03-10T15:05:00.000-08:002010-03-10T15:10:19.376-08:00

I've been trying to follow the advice of a friend and involve H more in care decisions. As I'm heading out of town this weekend for work, I was talking with him about how we can cover his care needs while I'm out gallivanting about the planet.For a long time, he's claimed that he's "just fine" when I travel, but I know better. But it is hard to convince him of that. Very difficult to involve

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-21368115909818659362010-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:002010-03-02T13:45:12.126-08:00

Structuring my lifeWhile it's true that I work full time, my "chores" for H actually structure my life more than work. Work is completely flex-time, but I have to feed H. Twice a day...breakfast and dinner. And the occasional sandwich in the fridge that I leave him for lunch. Not to mention all the times that he asks me for help. What will I do without this demand? Feeling the emptinessSometimes

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-9008704381595069092010-02-22T14:16:00.000-08:002010-02-22T14:20:57.641-08:00

'Twas talking with H last night at the dinner table about how he's doing. Difficult to get him to talk about this...he's suspicious when I ask about his health and I have to remind him that I'm asking because I care.H asked me if I wished that he had not stopped taking his anti-virals. I said, "Well, I support whatever decision you make...I told you that. But....""Yea, I wished I hadn't stopped

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-33845090941869887502010-02-18T13:09:00.000-08:002010-02-18T13:26:37.160-08:00

The malaise is striking...what I'm finding is that I'm as busy as ever, but I don't care all that much anymore. It's not depression so much as just being bored with it all...so I go through all the motions of being a good employee, a good caregiver. No surprise, but none of this seems important or even fulfilling.I'd rather be gardening. And that's what I've been doing with any free time.Was

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-17149016935887907442010-02-16T10:54:00.000-08:002010-02-16T10:58:08.436-08:00

Recently, a BBC television reporter said on camera that he had euthanized his partner, who was dying of AIDs (article here).H and I have discussed this possibility. When when we put our cat to sleep, H asked, cyring, "Why do we treat animals better than humans? Why can't I just go to sleep like that when it is my time instead of suffering?"We have talked about end of life and I promised him that,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-90402198561007406512010-02-15T10:37:00.000-08:002010-02-15T10:42:12.418-08:00

I H8 VDJust don't like Valentine's Day (humbug). My (few) single friends don't like it as everyone gets all giddy and romantic with their SO. I've got one of those, but I dislike VD as much, maybe more, than my single friends. Not because I'm lonely this VD (well, sort of), but because I'm in this tween space…not really involved and not really single. Yet, I feel obligated too and I also want to.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-48036973400619389592010-02-03T11:06:00.000-08:002010-02-03T11:09:46.775-08:00

Oooh, look, poniesWe're driving to the Dr. yesterday, past some pasture land where some Shetlands live. H stands up in the car (a convertible with the top down) and is leaning outside the car pointing and yelling (you guessed it), "Oooh, look, ponies!" Giant smile on his face, even as I pulled him back into his seat with the seat belt.How I got itTook H to a new Dr. (GP) yesterday. When the Dr.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-78773601116946294272010-01-28T12:37:00.000-08:002010-01-28T12:46:00.685-08:00

H continues to be down much of the time while we're waiting for his viral load to (hopefully) drop with the new anti-viral meds that he started a few weeks ago. And his dementia continues to get worse now…more of the same, really.I sent out an email update to his family and told them that three weeks into his new meds, I'm not seeing the turnaround that I've seen prior when he's started new meds

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-41684878502353981762010-01-08T13:33:00.000-08:002010-01-08T13:37:51.232-08:00

Best WishesI hope that my gentle readers had a great Holiday season and New Year's celebration.No trip for HWith H's viral load so high, he just wasn't up to the trip and so he stayed home. Really was fine with me…oddly enough. 'Twas happy that I wasn't angry.No meds for H or are there?At first we were told that no meds would work for H's virus, now we're being told that there *might* be an

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-49598434499650479282009-12-15T10:55:00.000-08:002009-12-15T11:00:25.112-08:00

Tree up and decoratedLast year, we didn't have a Christmas tree. After two years of me putting it up a giant tree mostly by myself, I just wasn't going to do that much work again. And besides, its no fun to put up a tree by yourself, especially since I see the ornaments as one rendition of our history together and I miss sharing that with him.So, H and I were talking about putting up a tree this

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-76164064520685683892009-12-01T15:33:00.000-08:002009-12-01T15:37:20.847-08:00

Smokin' 'n' drinkin'While I was in Europe last month, I decided to smoke and drink out on the town with my pals from work. I worried a bit about the drinking…if I had my first drink in 7+ months, would I be able to stop?...but all for naught. 'Twas a social thing only. During the day, no cravings; no cravings upon my return home. I could take or leave smoking on the road, but once I got home, I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-69675658988612124912009-11-11T16:23:00.000-08:002009-11-11T16:26:01.801-08:00

My prior post is the text of an email that I sent to H's family to give them a sense of where he is.Of the 3 recipients (two sisters and parents), only one sister replied:"...that is sad news, very sad indeed. Thanks for the update. I know some people who can help with H's caregiving…just let me know and I'll fwd their contact information."Trouble is that a full-time (or even part-time) caregiver

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-37812521822658788612009-11-05T06:31:00.000-08:002009-11-05T06:38:38.119-08:00

A few days ago, I sent an email to H's family to tell them about my worries and to give them some idea about what is going on.Here's the text of that email (kinda long, apologies). In a future post, I'll give y'all a rundown of their reply.Beloved family,I hope that I have all your correct email addresses here….I wanted to give you all a private update on how H is doing. Please don’t forward this

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-63237109339987685702009-10-29T11:11:00.000-07:002009-10-29T11:13:55.584-07:00

A long-time friend is now helping me with the garden. She has know H and I for about 20 years or so. Now, she's over a few times a month and is able to spend some time visiting with H and me.While I was visiting with her yesterday, she told me how she had seen H decline over the past year. She characterized it as significant mental slowness, difficulty in getting around, lack of ability to track

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-65198111744491004422009-10-27T13:09:00.000-07:002009-10-27T13:11:24.780-07:00

In a few days, I leave for Europe again. Last year, I went to lovely Amsterdam; this year it is (I've heard it's lovely) Rome.While it sounds a bit glamorous that my company sends me about the world from time to time, I find it rather grueling and my ole' man's body is not too keen on that whole jet lag thang.Nonetheless, I am looking forward to the break. I've got H covered through a combination

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-58014857001136970872009-10-19T13:20:00.000-07:002009-10-19T13:23:02.553-07:00

More of the sameI haven't posted much as life grinds on with no real news…just more of the same with me struggling to cope and H struggling to do just about anything. Really, I'm struggling to accept and my not accepting reality is why I struggle.That must be frustratingI've told H on many occasions when he's expressing his dismay at all he no longer can do, "That must be frustrating, honey." "

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-75845766056158068862009-09-23T11:26:00.000-07:002009-09-23T11:35:23.259-07:00

Since I don't see H much - what with me working and him sleeping so much - whenever I do see him, he rattles off a list of what "needs to be done" and "we need to buy."Now, I've written before about this, but H's requests for the list are doing nothing but escalating. And in the past I'd get all agitated about this (the "I have to do everything" martyr song), but now I'm less upset about the

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-16391356007491991472009-09-22T10:27:00.000-07:002009-09-22T10:31:14.106-07:00

Since the very brief conversation that we had, the tone in the house has been more peaceful, more gentle. No real whining, carping, no angry skulking from H.Part of this is that between me stopping drinking and taking anti-depressants, I'm just in a better mood.But most of this is just H and me clearing the air with a thank you and a you're welcome.This isn't to say that all issues are resolved (

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-777768225536799852009-09-11T12:46:00.000-07:002009-09-11T12:47:53.451-07:00

We're in the office, surfing the Web and H says to me, "I love you (singleman's name)."I love you too, honey."H continues, "Thank you for not abandoning me.""You're welcome."

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-41050866374226765432009-09-04T13:05:00.000-07:002009-09-04T13:09:22.492-07:00

If you're caring for an ill spouse (as I am), I've found a great resource at wellspouse.org.Useful information on the site, but the real gems are in the forums (you'll need to register). I spent a fair amount of time being amazed and relieved that others experience what I do (e.g., distress over the change in our relationship, should I stay/should I go?, etc.).On a different note, I started

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-35437929476610440682009-09-01T18:05:00.000-07:002009-09-01T18:14:38.051-07:00

'Twas talking with my massage therapist, who's actually a spiritual teacher in some ways, about my decision to go back on anti-depressants.I stopped drinking because I was not functional and now depression is getting the better of me so that I struggle to function, especially at work.He suggested, "If you could focus on what H CAN do right now and be amazed at anything that he does...loading the

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-72488682273079846872009-08-25T16:09:00.000-07:002009-08-25T16:19:00.348-07:00

Strange, but true…I am, for the first time, feeling peace with where H is and what is happening. Now, that doesn't mean I like it, because I most certainly do not. Happily, I no longer get angry (or as angry) at H for his incoherent questions, his general lack of ability to accomplish anything, or his need for my help in almost every area of his life. These days, I have caught myself trying to

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-27603776579636946342009-08-20T12:30:00.000-07:002009-08-20T12:39:08.244-07:00

Whenever I get overwhelmed by the whole ball o' fun, including work, stress from watching H decline, and now having to do everything around the house (except for cleaning and H's meds), I just tell myself, "This sucks, but I can handle it." Seems to work much of the time. Nonetheless, I find myself fantasizing about life "outside," life without caring for a very sick person…of course, the

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-62907668748463900252009-08-13T12:50:00.000-07:002009-08-13T12:51:36.731-07:00

It drives me crazy when I come home, as last night, and H is in a chipper mood and has been doing stuff."Doing stuff" in this case means playing with the pets, doing stuff on the computer, and cycling the dishes in the dishwasher. Nothing major for the rest of us, but major for him.I guess that I should be happy that he is feeling better for that day, but really I just resent it because it's not

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-18874801884958812532009-08-11T16:58:00.000-07:002009-08-11T17:08:18.491-07:00

Back at the desk (and the Web) after a two-week+ break. Nice to get off the grid for a bit. Didn’t do any travelling this time…was a staycation and it was a delightful break from work: get up and just do stuff I want. And coming back to work is a relief from what has been going on at home.H has been having fainting and falling spells, so that created a bit of a hubbub during my break. Well,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-55564516411226646562009-07-16T17:25:00.000-07:002009-07-16T17:30:09.258-07:00

For years, H has slept a lot…up a few hours in late morning and early evening, but generally in bed the rest of the time. Sometimes he sleeps more and sometimes less, but generally, he's sleeping 18 hours a day or so. When he sleeps more, he's up for a few minutes here and there and then goes back to bed.When I've asked or said anything about his sleeping, I get a range of answers, usually

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-73338013029888419412009-06-24T15:40:00.000-07:002009-06-24T15:42:40.936-07:00

H has been off his anti-HIV meds for over a month now. He hasn't called to find out if his viral load has gone up or not. He says, "I just don't want to think about it or know." Conversations at our house are very quiet…I talk but I rarely get a response. H is quiet a lot these days, part of it is that he's not been feeling well and I think that part of it is that he's not home very much.My

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-41974113663644486812009-06-18T10:56:00.000-07:002009-06-18T11:00:00.344-07:00

H and I went to our friend C's b-day party a week or so ago. She's 86 now. While we were there, H told me that he was feeling bad vibes from the crowd and that C had likely told them bad things about him. I told H, "Well, if there's an issue, give them the responsibility to bring it up…otherwise, let's enjoy ourselves."Later, H talked about how the bad vibes at the party must be because he wore a

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-77578502728271524522009-06-13T14:33:00.000-07:002009-06-13T15:01:12.007-07:00

Since i've been so busy recently at work and H is on a break from his anti-viral meds that make him feel so ill, he's been trying to help more around the house.I really appreciate all the help I can get and give him losts of positive reinforcement for any help at all, even unloading the dishwasher and bringing up the empty garbage cans from the street.Last night when I came home from work and the

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-6529280932903092442009-06-08T12:17:00.000-07:002009-06-08T12:20:30.788-07:00

About 12 years ago, H was recovering at a local facility that has a specialty in AIDS care after a bout of PCP pneumonia that nearly killed him. At that point, he had been in the ICU for almost a month and needed skilled nursing care to get him back on his feet. This is the same place that I was working to place him at the end of 2007. Lovely, kind people and state-of-the-care.I had wheeled H in

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-47651342000992101872009-06-03T18:15:00.000-07:002009-06-03T18:17:49.955-07:00

When we had an old cat who was quite sick, the vet told us that he would die pretty soon, but that he wasn't in pain and so we should take him home and enjoy him while we can. "He'll let you know when it is time," the vet said.So, we took our old kitty home and just spent time with him like we always did: treats, cuddling, and just sitting with him on the couch, petting. The old cat wasn't

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-3659980006238556902009-06-01T15:51:00.000-07:002009-06-01T15:53:40.997-07:00

H says to me in the car on the way to a local park, "I can really tell that my brain is not what it used to be. ""How so honey?" I know the answer, but am wanting to encourage him to talk.He says, "I can't remember hardly anything anymore and I keep having to re-learn how to use programs on the computer. And I've had to learn them again and again.""That must be very frustrating," I say. What

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-69245693875539541882009-05-27T17:55:00.000-07:002009-05-27T18:03:13.422-07:00

One of my struggles has been how to deal with the reality that I no longer wish to have a romantic relationship with H, yet we continue to live together in our home of 24 years. For me, the romantic part of our life together is long over and I just don't see my feelings changing, although I'm trying to keep an open mind. Needless to say, H has been in denial about this for years now. But, in all

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-32667552338675352222009-05-18T15:05:00.000-07:002009-05-18T15:11:15.783-07:00

Get a lifeH has been struggling with side effects from his many meds: gaining weight, sleeping a lot, and most notably, just feeling like-he-has-the-flu sick. The latter is from his antiviral meds. H wants to stop taking the antiviral meds so that he can "have a life" this Summer. In the past when he's stopped his meds, he'll feel great for a month or so and then get very ill; been through that

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-58524849706901883622009-05-08T12:13:00.000-07:002009-05-08T12:22:33.544-07:00

Treatment burnout...Well, I've spent so much time on recovery stuff recently that I'm just burned out on it. Not that I'll stop attending my sessions and all that, but sheesh I'm tired of hearing about drinking or not drinking. The counselor in my treatment program is having fits with me about this as it challenges much of the AA a priori dogma.Happily, I don’t have any cravings and I rarely

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-7651255967419714232009-04-28T12:15:00.000-07:002009-04-28T12:29:00.174-07:00

Finished my intensive evening treatment classes and now I'm down to one evening class, an AA meeting, a psychotherapy appointment, and a massage therapy appointment weekly. So, that's 4 - 5 appointments a week…a lot I guess, but worth it.H says to me, "Wow, so many appointments…I thought you were done with treatment.""Well, I want to make certain I don't drink anymore and I was already going to

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-16012984459670249162009-04-20T12:57:00.001-07:002009-04-20T13:10:40.882-07:00

As my head clears up, I'm really noticing how bleak my time with H is…especially on the weekends. And because of my distress at seeing how empty and odd he is/we are, I drank at home to numb out.While H wants to spend as much time with me as he can, I find that I want to spend as little time with him as I can get away with. I'm in a weekday evening "class" at my local treatment center and, even

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-88938384749685906952009-04-13T13:36:00.000-07:002009-04-13T13:42:08.806-07:00

In my treatment program class last night, we learned about how families can react when someone gets sober. In my case, I'm not certain that H knows what to do with me ("Hey, where's the asshole I lived with for so many years?").Many marriages end in divorce after one (or both) of the spouses gets sober.But I'm not interested in fixing my marriage, just fixing me. Right now, it IS all about me.He

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-83464276913504556132009-04-07T16:56:00.000-07:002009-04-07T17:02:01.641-07:00

Someone in my treatment class was whining about how much time the class and homework is taking. (I didn't say it, but I was thinking the same thing: Class weeknights from 6 - 9:30 and homework too.) The counselor asked, "Well, how much time did you spend drinking?" Every evening and weekends too.Someone else in the class was whining about how they had to rearrange their life around the classes.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-30548759195272473962009-04-03T13:06:00.000-07:002009-04-03T14:27:54.489-07:00

I haven't had a drink since last weekend and I'm amazed at how clear I'm thinking; people ahead of me in the treatment program say that thinking continues to improve for a long time.Work is easier, my quick wit (we can debate how funny it is) is returning, and I'm realizing just how much I love H in spite of it all. And a little support from H and our family goes a long way in helping me feel

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-39117445567154039142009-03-30T16:08:00.000-07:002009-03-30T16:11:48.228-07:00

We had a nurse come to the house today to evaluate H for home visits to help with his meds. It's always striking to have a cogent adult in the house and compare H to that. And I realize how lost H would be without my help with all the paperwork and questions. The first nursing visit will be later this week!Someone asked me once how my birthday was, I said automatically, "Fine thanks…just another

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-56442891061161338552009-03-24T12:31:00.000-07:002009-03-24T12:41:31.573-07:00

H's viral load is now undectable...the first time in over a decade.His T-cell count is 984, well within the normal range for a man his (our) age.He still sleeps much of the time, tells me he feels crappy a lot, gets anxious when we run out of grocery items (like sugar), is in terrible pain from neuropathy, and has a hard time following or participating in a conversation or making a bowl of

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-45546119973332801162009-03-23T11:38:00.000-07:002009-03-23T11:40:05.776-07:00

Over the past week or so, I've been consciously reducing the amount that I drink in prep for stopping entirely. Now, I know that I have to stop, but I'm hoping to manage down the withdrawal just a bit.A week from tomorrow I start my evening sessions and no later than that day, I have to stop drinking.So, I've cut down from 8+/day to 6 to 4, etc. over the past week. This has been surprisingly hard

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-83998306729464646622009-03-20T15:19:00.000-07:002009-03-20T15:21:53.324-07:00

Got an assessment at a treatment center. "Yes, you're an alcoholic." Thought so. I'm starting outpatient treatment the week after next.Getting some help, family stepping up. "I'm here for both of you," his sister who lives locally says. They will help with dinners while I'm gone."I'm sorry that my illness makes you drink, " H says.I say, looking him square in the eye, "Thank you, but don't

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-65020652568703870522009-03-19T11:26:00.000-07:002009-03-19T11:28:50.395-07:00

Well, it's just not the care duties, but it's the whole package of having to play "single Dad" for another grown man in the house. Very little happens without me personally doing it, cooking, picking up the house, bill paying, unravelling insurance issues, etc.That's annoying enough after 10+ years of this.But the real issue isn't the care, the chores, or the responsibility, but that I don't get

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-52192390631871724772009-03-16T11:03:00.000-07:002009-03-16T11:10:10.348-07:00

IllusionsI've been encouraging H to do as much as he can for himself. This could be medication ordering & set up, calling about insurance snafus, or even just getting an eye exam.It's helpful to me if he can do the tasks, but mostly I’m just playing a game with myself that he's not totally dependant on me. If he can do this or that, then I don't have to acknowledge the reality.Sometimes, he can

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-79497956790786294092009-03-10T14:10:00.000-07:002009-03-10T14:13:44.426-07:00

For many years now, I've been drinking quite a bit. At first, it was for fun and now, well, let's just say it's a requirement.When H first got sick, 12 years or so ago, I started drinking more and with increasing regularity and I worked my way up to a 6 pack a day. Recently, I've blown through that mark and drink way more than I mean to, even tho' I'm trying to limit it. Sigh.I remember talking

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-88717169426455533712009-03-04T12:09:00.000-08:002009-03-04T12:13:00.148-08:00

Last weekend was a big b-day bash for a family member who turned 50 (no, not me…yet!).It was frustrating for H because his sister and her family came into town for the event and he didn't get to spend as much time with them as he would have liked.I had a wonderful time with them all and my worries about getting grief were happily unfounded. What was even better was that we only had a moment to

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-64063612226924202772009-03-02T13:55:00.000-08:002009-03-02T13:59:57.624-08:00

I wanted to say thank you to all of you folks out there who read the blog.It's very helpful to know that someone is out there listening.And I'm grateful that you spend time reading my entries, doleful tho' they often are, and supporting me in your thoughts, prayers, and comments.

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-11496204425081017092009-03-02T13:49:00.000-08:002009-03-02T13:54:13.214-08:00

Twice a day, H takes his many, many meds. They make him very, very sick and so he dreads 10am and 10pm. The other morning, he was grumbling about taking his meds and exasperated. "Why do I do this? Why do I take these?" he asks me as he looks at a small Dixie cup filled with pills. He takes two Dixie cups filled with pills twice a day."Because they keep you alive."He says, "Yea, but I feel so

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-29683889015791459302009-02-24T16:33:00.000-08:002009-02-24T16:50:53.280-08:00

H's sister and her family are coming to town this weekend for a family birthday bash. (H's parents are not coming to town, which is AOK.) I haven't seen his sister in about 4 years…last time she came up to see H because we were told that he was going to die in 6 months. But, another anti-viral med came out and pulled him back.But the past year or so has been strained with his family because I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-57397077564247196622009-02-23T10:02:00.000-08:002009-02-23T10:05:13.529-08:00

H's family has always been seekers, looking for alternative healing methods that include both the profound and the silly. Profound in terms of how we create and can change our reality and silly like a burbling mason jar of fungus has healing properties or pads that remove toxins from the bottom of your feet.While these methods may or may not work, they pursue them with a vigor that some reserve

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-2458808242079345452009-02-18T13:30:00.000-08:002009-02-18T13:32:15.900-08:00

I keep having regrets, deep regrets about how things were and how things are. And I wonder what would have happened if I made other decisions instead of the ones I made. And, yes, I blame myself sometimes for the choices I made. "If only I had done this or that…." "If only it were different…" "If only, if only."Well, it's not if only. It is what it is.And instead of just looking at things as "

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-31984026702122379072009-02-12T16:19:00.001-08:002009-02-12T16:28:52.455-08:00

H has an accumulating set of issues in addition to his baseline stuff: depression, bowel distress, loss of strength and stamina, fear of just about everything, frequent nausea, more mental slowness (again), etc. etc.Talking with him last night, he blurted out, "Well, maybe my bowel trouble is colon cancer. I hope so...maybe adding one more thing will get me out of here more quickly."Then he

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-37809912361710662422009-02-11T19:13:00.000-08:002009-02-11T19:22:49.401-08:00

When H and I have had issues to deal with and we've gotten angry, usually there is some resolution to that tension. Someone takes responsibility, we agree to do something different, or one or both of us just says, "Yup, you're right." And mostly, something changes.But now, instead of being resolved, well…it doesn't .Recently, H got up from a nap after not having eaten all day…it was late, 9pm. I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-30310467936592104762009-02-04T15:25:00.000-08:002009-02-04T15:27:00.531-08:00

As I've mentioned before, we thankfully have a house cleaning service and on "school nights, " I sleep in the guest room so I actually can get a good night's sleep. H asked me last night to make certain that my pillows were on "our" bed before they came to clean. I didn't ask why.Some states have Death with Dignity laws and while I have mixed feelings about it, when my time comes I hope that I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-74479138798499349272009-01-26T13:14:00.001-08:002009-01-26T13:30:37.866-08:00

We have people coming into our house on a somewhat regular basis...we have a cleaning service that comes in every two weeks (thankfully) and there are usually a few repairfolk coming and going on a somewhat regular basis.Recently, we got a call about some permit issue related to some improvements that we made last Winter. Seems that the city didn't have a record that the inspections happended,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-67640640136752728982009-01-14T17:19:00.001-08:002009-01-14T17:52:41.462-08:00

When I was a kid, we used to go to the local carnival and they had a fun house. Dark, twisted hallways, mirrors, smoke, scary heads that pop out from no where, horrible noises...the ususal dark ride stuff. I always hated those because you never knew what was going to happen, but you knew that it was going to scare the **** out of you.These days, while things are calmer...sense of resignation,

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-42813828651873758682008-12-19T09:37:00.000-08:002008-12-27T15:54:54.571-08:00

Two of our long-time friends, T and C, have significant health issues.T is in his late 50's and was in a very bad accident many years ago and is confined to a wheel chair. He is terrified of using the baseboard heaters in his house, even when guests come over to visit and everyone is up and about. It's been been cold and snowing here.He rants about how dangerous the heaters are and yells at

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-575805035401143612008-12-09T11:04:00.001-08:002008-12-09T11:27:12.215-08:00

During dinner last night, I was chatting with H and he was after me for my "flat, sarcastic delivery" about how much Christmas costs every year and how I'm trying to manage that down for this year.I said that I didn't mean to be sarcastic, but I'm just tired and burned out.He looks at me intently and says, "Well, we should just get a divorce." And he goes on from there about an attorney, selling

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-37027466397922939232008-11-28T11:15:00.000-08:002008-11-28T11:16:46.566-08:00

How silly of me to think that things would be different, just because H is visiting his family for a few weeks.While he's not been ill while travelling, somehow I thought that all would be happiness while he is gone, a chance for me to refresh and regroup and, mostly, to enjoy myself.I don't have the seething anger and resentment with him gone, I don't have to listen him fret, I don't have to do

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-40321596736114505112008-11-20T11:59:00.000-08:002008-11-20T12:20:48.126-08:00

It's been a long time since the house was this quiet and even longer since I've felt any sort of quiet in my head. H has been gone only a few days now, but the relief I feel is palpable.When I returned from Europe last week, I experienced the opposite. As soon as the cab pulled up in our driveway, my back, neck, even my legs began their characteristic chronic aching. While I was gone I had a bit

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-75597560419707136592008-11-17T14:35:00.000-08:002008-11-17T14:36:56.581-08:00

Coming back from a week out of the country was as expected, maybe a little worse.H had a "bad week," he said. He has some minor episodes of seizures, which has happened before, but he didn't go to the doctor or call his sister, who lives nearby. He didn't want to call as it "would have meant a trip to the hospital."He said he was depressed and slept most of the time; lonely too, he said. Hardly

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-22117546921285510322008-11-06T17:46:00.000-08:002008-11-06T17:55:04.417-08:00

Now a week out of the country on work travel with my extended team. In addition to the wonders of a more tolerant society who believe "live and let live," I've really enjoyed the break from the tedium of living with H and just how helpless and hopeless he is.My team is astoundingly smart, funny, and passionate. Sometimes I don't feel that I belong, but that is my issue as I have clearly already

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-17447771529932862942008-10-29T14:51:00.000-07:002008-10-29T14:55:33.006-07:00

While there is ample evidence that he's simply not capable of meeting my needs, I still want him to be there for me as I struggle through his waning days. But he simply can't be there in the way that I need, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.Oh sure, I can intellectually understand how he's not capable anymore, that H is my patient, my job, if you will…and not my partner anymore. But my

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-43822980323440504502008-10-21T10:51:00.000-07:002008-10-21T10:58:56.001-07:00

We have mildew in our bedroom closet.... Happens pretty every Fall/Winter and we treat it by spraying with Lysol. Works well, but smells a bit.So, the other night H couldn't sleep in the bedroom due to the Lysol smell, but it didn't bother me, so I slept in our bedroom and he slept in the guest room.Last night, while we were in the office, one of our cats starts meowing...he does that, he's a

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-65184225006586136192008-10-19T08:50:00.000-07:002008-10-19T09:04:03.703-07:00

The husband of a dear friend of mine has Parkinson's and the progression is limiting what he can do more and more. My friend told me that she finds herself getting so mad that her husband can't do even simple things (like the dishes) anymore...not just irritated mad, but raging mad. She asked me what I thought she should do and I said, "Don't expect anything from him anymore."I was talking with H

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-409384703790064552008-10-02T17:04:00.000-07:002008-10-02T17:19:48.452-07:00

I really struggle with how to view H these days. While I understand that he is sick, I keep expecting him... nee keep needing him...to be my partner. As I've written here before, since we still live in the same house that we bought 20 years ago, I just keep hoping and filling in blanks for him.So, I'm whining in therapy about my disappointment about not getting my needs met and how to deal with

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-54903393049420059142008-09-22T17:08:00.000-07:002008-09-22T17:19:53.288-07:00

I was talking with a friend of ours who has known H longer than I have. I surprised myself when I told her about the gifts that I am receiving as a result of H's illness and my time caring for him. I've certainly shared my grousing in this blog and so it makes sense that I'd share my gifts and gratitude as well.Let's start with compassion. Before I met H (and even for awhile afterwards), I

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-24807716849181330062008-09-16T14:09:00.000-07:002008-09-16T15:48:09.131-07:00

Up early today and busy with getting ready for a house project that involved moving some furniture, etc. Great anxiety for H as "someone is coming early in the morning and I have to have my breakfast made before they get here." So, we're both up early today.I'm sweeping and just moving stuff around and H asks me, "Can we get some marriage counseling? I don't want to be here if we're not having

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-89689209943057443602008-09-10T19:49:00.000-07:002008-09-12T16:07:34.772-07:00

I have a hard time separating out my love and desire to care for H from our history as lovers, romantic partners, spouses, soul mates.He so wants the romance, the way it used to be, and of course gets reassurance from me when I provide the kiss, hug, etc. I don't get any reassurance from H when he returns the favor. All I can hear in my mind is a voice screaming, "I am done with this."Yea, I want

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17015368.post-22851430586986307382008-09-02T13:23:00.000-07:002008-09-02T13:25:02.621-07:00

I've been thinking about how to position H in my mind, my life, and my heart. Our relationship has changed so much over the years, especially the last 3 or so as he has been so sick.And all this time, I kept thinking that his needs were so overwhelming. But you know, what he needs is reassurance, some help with meals, some companionship, some love. Pretty simple really. Yea, I think that he would

A Single Manhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09166325804204191286noreply@blogger.com4