Gentle readers....
H has been in a nursing facility since September, 2014 subsequent to his car accident.
About two weeks ago, I got a call from the nursing facility that his family was taking him out of the facility and moving him into "an apartment." The nursing facility said that he was leaving AMA (Against Medical Advice) as their evaluation is that he needs 24 hour care...which H vehemently denies...and so does his family. I am legally unable to stop H from leaving the nursing facility.
The next day he had moved out into temporary housing in a "medical hotel," which provides temporary, independent housing through a local service organization for people with HIV.
I was not consulted and it was a surprise that he actually moved out. They wrangled to get me to take care of him for about a year and I repeatedly said NFW (no). So, they just moved him out.
H is elated as he has been "released from Hell" and now has his own room that is quiet. His family and some friends are all helping him (from what I can tell, about 6 - 8 people) get settled and get his care needs set up. The rub is, they don't understand the full extent of his needs...they are clueless that its taking 6 or so of them to help him, yet they don't understand why one person can't do it all, like I tried to for many years...even tho' I did have help.
So, today, there is much chatter about his medications. He takes (last count) 22 different meds a day and the total number of pills is about 50 a day. Someone has to order the meds, set them up...but they didn't think about that. They didn't ask me about this, nor did they plan ahead.
His family has supported him in his fantasy that he can live on his own, even though I didn't think he could for several years before the accident. And, so they have put him at great risk because H whined about how much he hated where he was.
This will likely not end well for him and that make me very sad. My plan is to help, but not rescue him...although part of me says, "just walk away." I haven't been able to do that for years...maybe now is the time to do it.
Showing posts with label fun with dementia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun with dementia. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
A coupla a snippets
Lost at the mall
I come home from work yesterday and H is not there. One of the cars is gone, so I figure that he's gone to visit a neighbor. I don't like him driving and I discourage it...my therapist tells me that I just need to take the car keys (just like I took the stove knobs).
After awhile, he comes back and tells me that he's been to the mall...his dad gave us some gift cards and H was just looking to spend them.
Later in the evening, he tells me that he couldn't find the car in the mall parking lot after he went shopping. Well, he knew where the car was, he said, but he couldn't remember out how to get to the car on foot. Now, the lot he parked in is where we usually park when we go the mall.
I'm glad that he told me about this incident and I responded with calmness and interest...not anger as I often do.
H has had a recurring dream about going to the mall and then not being able to find the car...the mall is too big to go around and too confusing to go through. So, he can't get home. Usually, he wakes up without being able to find the car.
Odd how reality echoes dreams...
Happily, it ended well and H went to mall security to help them find the car. They did and H drove home.
Anger is easier
I have been struggling with anger towards H for a long time. And the anger motivates me. Unfortunately, anger also is not the way that I'd like to respond to H (or to anyone, really). Instead of using anger to derive my strength, I need to let my love for H drive the right outcome for us.
But it is easier to feel angry than to focus on my love for H and for doing the right thing out of love. With anger, I don't have to feel the sadness, fear, distress...you name it. If I focus instead on the love I have for him, it is very upsetting, as you would expect.
And, if I focus on love, then I can center on what is best for H (and for me) as opposed to "I have to get him out of the house or I will go crazy (which is also true)." At this point, the focus needs to be keeping H safe, regardless of all the other issues.
Taking account
I've begun to write down what is going on with H. For example, leaving the windows open, leaving the burner on, getting lost at the mall. I need to focus on what is actually happening as opposed to what H says about his abilities and what I wish were true.
In many ways, I am grateful that these things are happening now...suddenly and in a cluster.
I need to be objective about what is going on with him. I will need this info as I yes, once again, consider placement for him.
Sad to say that what is happening is, in fact, happening. Been here before with dementia, except these types of things usually happen when his viral load is high. Right now, his viral load is effectively zero.
I come home from work yesterday and H is not there. One of the cars is gone, so I figure that he's gone to visit a neighbor. I don't like him driving and I discourage it...my therapist tells me that I just need to take the car keys (just like I took the stove knobs).
After awhile, he comes back and tells me that he's been to the mall...his dad gave us some gift cards and H was just looking to spend them.
Later in the evening, he tells me that he couldn't find the car in the mall parking lot after he went shopping. Well, he knew where the car was, he said, but he couldn't remember out how to get to the car on foot. Now, the lot he parked in is where we usually park when we go the mall.
I'm glad that he told me about this incident and I responded with calmness and interest...not anger as I often do.
H has had a recurring dream about going to the mall and then not being able to find the car...the mall is too big to go around and too confusing to go through. So, he can't get home. Usually, he wakes up without being able to find the car.
Odd how reality echoes dreams...
Happily, it ended well and H went to mall security to help them find the car. They did and H drove home.
Anger is easier
I have been struggling with anger towards H for a long time. And the anger motivates me. Unfortunately, anger also is not the way that I'd like to respond to H (or to anyone, really). Instead of using anger to derive my strength, I need to let my love for H drive the right outcome for us.
But it is easier to feel angry than to focus on my love for H and for doing the right thing out of love. With anger, I don't have to feel the sadness, fear, distress...you name it. If I focus instead on the love I have for him, it is very upsetting, as you would expect.
And, if I focus on love, then I can center on what is best for H (and for me) as opposed to "I have to get him out of the house or I will go crazy (which is also true)." At this point, the focus needs to be keeping H safe, regardless of all the other issues.
Taking account
I've begun to write down what is going on with H. For example, leaving the windows open, leaving the burner on, getting lost at the mall. I need to focus on what is actually happening as opposed to what H says about his abilities and what I wish were true.
In many ways, I am grateful that these things are happening now...suddenly and in a cluster.
I need to be objective about what is going on with him. I will need this info as I yes, once again, consider placement for him.
Sad to say that what is happening is, in fact, happening. Been here before with dementia, except these types of things usually happen when his viral load is high. Right now, his viral load is effectively zero.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
One of my jobs...
I came home last night and found the gas stove burner on. He managed to cook some eggs (even tho' I had made him some earlier...he "didn't see them"), but forgot to turn off the burner.
I came home the night before and H had left the house, but left many windows open. "Well, at least I turned on the security alarm," he said.
In the past, I've jut gotten mad at him about these types of things, but after he got up from his nap and over dinner, we talked about this. I wasn't mad this time, just weary and concerned.
"One of my jobs is to keep you safe, H," I opened, "and I'm not certain that I can do that. Yesterday, you left the house open and today, you left a burner on."
"What am I going to do if I can't keep you safe at home?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not usually this bad," he says.
"Yea, but you are worried about strangers in the neighborhood and being robbed, but then you leave the house open and you tell all the neighbors that you have AIDS and take pain meds and smoke pot. You told me you wouldn't cook, but then you do...do you know that this is the 3rd time you've left the burner on?"
Now, this is all on top of a simple repair I asked him to be home for last week (unclogging the kitchen drain) that turned into a $600 bill because the tech took advantage of him IMO. I'm disputing the charge with the CC company now.
Sigh.
While this is all somewhat distressing, it is just the most recent examples at how impaired H really is.
If there is good news in this, it is that safety issues can be the precipitating event where I have to place him. The worry is that I don't know how bad this will get when.
In any case, I've hidden the knobs from the gas range and it can't be operated without the knobs. But, this is just a workaround for that one issue.
At least with a kid, you get a sense of what they can and cannot do and you adjust. And you know that over time, they will become more capable, not less. In this case, however, you just don't know what to expect.
I came home the night before and H had left the house, but left many windows open. "Well, at least I turned on the security alarm," he said.
In the past, I've jut gotten mad at him about these types of things, but after he got up from his nap and over dinner, we talked about this. I wasn't mad this time, just weary and concerned.
"One of my jobs is to keep you safe, H," I opened, "and I'm not certain that I can do that. Yesterday, you left the house open and today, you left a burner on."
"What am I going to do if I can't keep you safe at home?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not usually this bad," he says.
"Yea, but you are worried about strangers in the neighborhood and being robbed, but then you leave the house open and you tell all the neighbors that you have AIDS and take pain meds and smoke pot. You told me you wouldn't cook, but then you do...do you know that this is the 3rd time you've left the burner on?"
Now, this is all on top of a simple repair I asked him to be home for last week (unclogging the kitchen drain) that turned into a $600 bill because the tech took advantage of him IMO. I'm disputing the charge with the CC company now.
Sigh.
While this is all somewhat distressing, it is just the most recent examples at how impaired H really is.
If there is good news in this, it is that safety issues can be the precipitating event where I have to place him. The worry is that I don't know how bad this will get when.
In any case, I've hidden the knobs from the gas range and it can't be operated without the knobs. But, this is just a workaround for that one issue.
At least with a kid, you get a sense of what they can and cannot do and you adjust. And you know that over time, they will become more capable, not less. In this case, however, you just don't know what to expect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
