Smokin' 'n' drinkin'
While I was in Europe last month, I decided to smoke and drink out on the town with my pals from work. I worried a bit about the drinking…if I had my first drink in 7+ months, would I be able to stop?...but all for naught. 'Twas a social thing only. During the day, no cravings; no cravings upon my return home. I could take or leave smoking on the road, but once I got home, I wanted to smoke more.
Down for a visit
Although I've only got one response from H's family to my status email, H will be heading South to visit many of them after Christmas. They are eager to see him and I'm glad that he wants to go. Also, gives me 2+ weeks of break, which I am grateful for.
All is calm
H is doing rather well physically right now. We'll know what his viral load is here in a few weeks. What's so odd is that he's stable right now and his spirits are good. In some ways, I don't know what to do with him when there isn't a health issue going. His dementia is still worsening tho'.
When I'm sick
Over the past several weeks, I've had two migraine headaches and also got a weird flu. H was good about this, as there was no way that I can keep up at home when I was that sick. He said, "Sheesh, even when you're sick, you don't get a break." I replied, "Yup, I know." And, to his credit, he asked me for nothing during my sick times.
Deteriorating in front of my eyes
One of H's sister lives in another state, not too far from his parents. Since this sister lives closest, she sees what is happening with his parents. Like most folks in their mid to late 70s, they have a myriad of health issues, but some dementia is beginning to creep in.
His sister said to me, "I can't believe it, I'm watching them deteriorate before my eyes…it's horrible (crying)." I told her that I understood as I'm watching H deteriorate as well. She asked me what she should do…I said, "love them and realize that you can only do so much to help them…you can't stop them aging. Most importantly, just be there for them."
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Life and presence
Get a life
H has been struggling with side effects from his many meds: gaining weight, sleeping a lot, and most notably, just feeling like-he-has-the-flu sick. The latter is from his antiviral meds. H wants to stop taking the antiviral meds so that he can "have a life" this Summer. In the past when he's stopped his meds, he'll feel great for a month or so and then get very ill; been through that before and would prefer not to repeat.
In some ways, I don't like it when he's feeling better. His demands on me increase…he feels better so he starts more projects, but he rarely finishes them or can finish them anymore. And when he's up and about, I should just enjoy him while he's here, but I struggle with that too: I have all those fond feelings for him that I feel very conflicted about because I've been up and down too many times before.
And when he's feeling better, his expectations rise: he wants to do stuff with me, hang out with me…normal stuff really. But I just see it as work….seems like all I do is work these days. Work at work, work at home…little down time right now. And, to be honest, it is work to be around H for me now that I'm more present.
Being present
One of the side effects of (some would say the reason for) my drinking was that I was not present when I was at home. Heh, hard to be present with a minimum of a 6 pack a day.
Now, without drinking, I can be present and I find that a challenge. I can deal with the notion that he's sick and afraid and feel compassion, I can deal with his dementia and be patient and try to understand, but what I can't deal with is the thought that this will drag out for (many more) years…knowing that I'll not (ever) have a partner that meets my needs.
And yet I struggle to get those needs met now due to feelings of guilt and shame as I'm "leaving" my partner. Very strange, but that's how I feel. As much as I want a partner, or even just some fun, the block is there and much of it has to do with the thought of lying to him or hurting his feelings if he found out.
H has been struggling with side effects from his many meds: gaining weight, sleeping a lot, and most notably, just feeling like-he-has-the-flu sick. The latter is from his antiviral meds. H wants to stop taking the antiviral meds so that he can "have a life" this Summer. In the past when he's stopped his meds, he'll feel great for a month or so and then get very ill; been through that before and would prefer not to repeat.
In some ways, I don't like it when he's feeling better. His demands on me increase…he feels better so he starts more projects, but he rarely finishes them or can finish them anymore. And when he's up and about, I should just enjoy him while he's here, but I struggle with that too: I have all those fond feelings for him that I feel very conflicted about because I've been up and down too many times before.
And when he's feeling better, his expectations rise: he wants to do stuff with me, hang out with me…normal stuff really. But I just see it as work….seems like all I do is work these days. Work at work, work at home…little down time right now. And, to be honest, it is work to be around H for me now that I'm more present.
Being present
One of the side effects of (some would say the reason for) my drinking was that I was not present when I was at home. Heh, hard to be present with a minimum of a 6 pack a day.
Now, without drinking, I can be present and I find that a challenge. I can deal with the notion that he's sick and afraid and feel compassion, I can deal with his dementia and be patient and try to understand, but what I can't deal with is the thought that this will drag out for (many more) years…knowing that I'll not (ever) have a partner that meets my needs.
And yet I struggle to get those needs met now due to feelings of guilt and shame as I'm "leaving" my partner. Very strange, but that's how I feel. As much as I want a partner, or even just some fun, the block is there and much of it has to do with the thought of lying to him or hurting his feelings if he found out.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Random snippets
Treatment burnout...
Well, I've spent so much time on recovery stuff recently that I'm just burned out on it. Not that I'll stop attending my sessions and all that, but sheesh I'm tired of hearing about drinking or not drinking. The counselor in my treatment program is having fits with me about this as it challenges much of the AA a priori dogma.
Happily, I don’t have any cravings and I rarely think about drinking…well, unless I'm in a meeting of recovering alcoholics. Question under consideration: I know that AA is tremendously helpful to many, but given that I don't struggle with not drinking …how much of this do I really have to do to keep myself sober?
Don't go to that meeting!
H is worried that I'm doing too much right now, yet he can't see that he is a big part of my overload. Work is crazy busy and he's worried that somehow I'll run into someone at my once a week treatment meeting that is from my large company and that "it won't be good for your career." He also says, "You need to focus on work and yourself, you don't have the capacity to go to a meeting." Reality check, please.
It's really more about him not understanding the facets that I juggle constantly: it's work, work, work at the salt mines, then home to do more work (make dinner, listen to his old angry stories, take care of the pets), my self care stuff (including the gym & therapist), and oh that pesky spiritual path thing. I know I need a vacation, but that won't happen until August. So, yea, I need to do a bunch of self-care stuff and I do it wholeheartedly without guilt.
Just go back to bed, would ya?
No surprise, but H doesn't have all that many good days these days. But after a slew of bad weeks, he's up and about a lot more right now. So, he's up early with me, sleeps during the day, and is up when I get home. First time in literally years and, of course, I've been fancying myself a single man, so I have much dissonance about this. But, I'm not PO'd at him since I've stopped drinking and I am grateful for that.
He "just wants to be with me." I appreciate the sentiment, but all I hear at this point is neediness. I don't do well with this as he's been so bloody needy for so very, very long. But, when he's up and about and trying to be all chipper, I mostly just want him to go back to bed. Now, I don't say that, of course, but I think it and I also think to myself, "How many more years do I have to babysit?"
Well, I've spent so much time on recovery stuff recently that I'm just burned out on it. Not that I'll stop attending my sessions and all that, but sheesh I'm tired of hearing about drinking or not drinking. The counselor in my treatment program is having fits with me about this as it challenges much of the AA a priori dogma.
Happily, I don’t have any cravings and I rarely think about drinking…well, unless I'm in a meeting of recovering alcoholics. Question under consideration: I know that AA is tremendously helpful to many, but given that I don't struggle with not drinking …how much of this do I really have to do to keep myself sober?
Don't go to that meeting!
H is worried that I'm doing too much right now, yet he can't see that he is a big part of my overload. Work is crazy busy and he's worried that somehow I'll run into someone at my once a week treatment meeting that is from my large company and that "it won't be good for your career." He also says, "You need to focus on work and yourself, you don't have the capacity to go to a meeting
It's really more about him not understanding the facets that I juggle constantly: it's work, work, work at the salt mines, then home to do more work (make dinner, listen to his old angry stories, take care of the pets), my self care stuff (including the gym & therapist), and oh that pesky spiritual path thing. I know I need a vacation, but that won't happen until August. So, yea, I need to do a bunch of self-care stuff and I do it wholeheartedly without guilt.
Just go back to bed, would ya?
No surprise, but H doesn't have all that many good days these days. But after a slew of bad weeks, he's up and about a lot more right now. So, he's up early with me, sleeps during the day, and is up when I get home. First time in literally years and, of course, I've been fancying myself a single man, so I have much dissonance about this. But, I'm not PO'd at him since I've stopped drinking and I am grateful for that.
He "just wants to be with me." I appreciate the sentiment, but all I hear at this point is neediness. I don't do well with this as he's been so bloody needy for so very, very long. But, when he's up and about and trying to be all chipper, I mostly just want him to go back to bed. Now, I don't say that, of course, but I think it and I also think to myself, "How many more years do I have to babysit?"
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
So many appointments
Finished my intensive evening treatment classes and now I'm down to one evening class, an AA meeting, a psychotherapy appointment, and a massage therapy appointment weekly. So, that's 4 - 5 appointments a week…a lot I guess, but worth it.
H says to me, "Wow, so many appointments…I thought you were done with treatment."
"Well, I want to make certain I don't drink anymore and I was already going to the therapist and massage," I said. The reality of it is that I'm just taking care of myself, wanting to stay sober, and trying to figure out what my life looks like. Yup, I need the care.
"I just don't think you need to go to treatment anymore...you never drank that much," he said. "I just don't know why you're seeing a therapist...you've seen him for years already and it isn't helping our relationship."
By now, I've learned to not defend my choices or my actions. It doesn’t matter. He doesn't need to agree or disagree or approve anything that I'm doing. In this case, being silent is the high road. But, he does pout about it.
I feel a transformation underway…for the first time in a long time, I'm focused on making my life better for me. I think that H can see me changing…certainly my personality has changed since I stopped drinking and I feel peaceful…but he's afraid of that change as much he's wanted it for many years. And he's not in any position to change himself at this point…his life is continuing to shrink and he's making it worse by not accepting where he is or we are.
He keeps wanting me to be at home (all the bloody time) and, happily, these appointments give me a reason to not be while also helping myself.
H says to me, "Wow, so many appointments…I thought you were done with treatment."
"Well, I want to make certain I don't drink anymore and I was already going to the therapist and massage," I said. The reality of it is that I'm just taking care of myself, wanting to stay sober, and trying to figure out what my life looks like. Yup, I need the care.
"I just don't think you need to go to treatment anymore...you never drank that much," he said. "I just don't know why you're seeing a therapist...you've seen him for years already and it isn't helping our relationship."
By now, I've learned to not defend my choices or my actions. It doesn’t matter. He doesn't need to agree or disagree or approve anything that I'm doing. In this case, being silent is the high road. But, he does pout about it.
I feel a transformation underway…for the first time in a long time, I'm focused on making my life better for me. I think that H can see me changing…certainly my personality has changed since I stopped drinking and I feel peaceful…but he's afraid of that change as much he's wanted it for many years. And he's not in any position to change himself at this point…his life is continuing to shrink and he's making it worse by not accepting where he is or we are.
He keeps wanting me to be at home (all the bloody time) and, happily, these appointments give me a reason to not be while also helping myself.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Changing dynamics
In my treatment program class last night, we learned about how families can react when someone gets sober. In my case, I'm not certain that H knows what to do with me ("Hey, where's the asshole I lived with for so many years?").
Many marriages end in divorce after one (or both) of the spouses gets sober.
But I'm not interested in fixing my marriage, just fixing me. Right now, it IS all about me.
He can't be fixed (tho' I likely underestimate him), so my marriage can't be fixed, I think.
And do I really know who he is now? I'm assuming that he isn't capable, which is likely true. Would I have drunk so much if I thought he could be there?
And also, to the degree he WAS there, I wasn't because I was drinking too much.
I've learned that H is an addict as well…a prescribed one, but one nonetheless. I mean, he's been taking pain meds for so long now and the long-term affects on brain biochemistry are there nonetheless. Throw in significant dementia and he'll not ever be what I need, in spite of how much I love him and want that.
As I get weller and weller (sic), I’m realizing how impaired he is, but he can't get well…well, as well as I need him to be. Where does that leave me, leave us?
Many marriages end in divorce after one (or both) of the spouses gets sober.
But I'm not interested in fixing my marriage, just fixing me. Right now, it IS all about me.
He can't be fixed (tho' I likely underestimate him), so my marriage can't be fixed, I think.
And do I really know who he is now? I'm assuming that he isn't capable, which is likely true. Would I have drunk so much if I thought he could be there?
And also, to the degree he WAS there, I wasn't because I was drinking too much.
I've learned that H is an addict as well…a prescribed one, but one nonetheless. I mean, he's been taking pain meds for so long now and the long-term affects on brain biochemistry are there nonetheless. Throw in significant dementia and he'll not ever be what I need, in spite of how much I love him and want that.
As I get weller and weller (sic), I’m realizing how impaired he is, but he can't get well…well, as well as I need him to be. Where does that leave me, leave us?
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Finding a replacement
Someone in my treatment class was whining about how much time the class and homework is taking. (I didn't say it, but I was thinking the same thing: Class weeknights from 6 - 9:30 and homework too.) The counselor asked, "Well, how much time did you spend drinking?" Every evening and weekends too.
Someone else in the class was whining about how they had to rearrange their life around the classes. (I'm sure you can see this one coming.) The counselor said, "Well, you rearranged your life around alcohol, didn't you?" Uhhhh, yes, I did, clearly.
Very strange to not drink 1,000 or more calories a day. Now I have to eat and eat and eat. And even so, I’m still losing weight. Eventually, I'll figure out and get comfortable with how much I need to eat, but sheesh…I've never been a big fan of eating anyway.
Even stranger still is to be able to know in my heart that my romantic life with H is over, yet not be angry at him about it . The more present I become as I dry out, the clearer it becomes to me that I have to take responsibility for getting my needs met and not blame H...just love him.
Someone else in the class was whining about how they had to rearrange their life around the classes. (I'm sure you can see this one coming.) The counselor said, "Well, you rearranged your life around alcohol, didn't you?" Uhhhh, yes, I did, clearly.
Very strange to not drink 1,000 or more calories a day. Now I have to eat and eat and eat. And even so, I’m still losing weight. Eventually, I'll figure out and get comfortable with how much I need to eat, but sheesh…I've never been a big fan of eating anyway.
Even stranger still is to be able to know in my heart that my romantic life with H is over, yet not be angry at him about it . The more present I become as I dry out, the clearer it becomes to me that I have to take responsibility for getting my needs met and not blame H...just love him.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Weekdays of clarity
I haven't had a drink since last weekend and I'm amazed at how clear I'm thinking; people ahead of me in the treatment program say that thinking continues to improve for a long time.
Work is easier, my quick wit (we can debate how funny it is) is returning, and I'm realizing just how much I love H in spite of it all. And a little support from H and our family goes a long way in helping me feel better too.
I also realize just how impaired H is - not just in the "big" things, like not being able to cook a meal - but in small things, like tracking a simple conversation, mumbling half the words in a sentence, or struggling to wash a pan because "no matter how much I wash it, it just feels oily." (It wasn't.)
Weekday schedule now is work 8 - 5 & intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy) 6 - 9:30. Throw in physical therapy and psychotherapy once a week each and 2 AA meetings a week and I'm max'd out. Too much therapy if you ask me…. And just for fun, I'm getting a cold too.
Happily, sister and nieces are cooking for H and he likes seeing them and they love to spend time with him. And a nurse is now coming in to manage meds for H.
Nice to have some relief so that I can take care of myself.
But best of all is that my anger towards H is diminishing in a big way and I'm able to be more patient and kind. I simply don’t have the hostility towards him that I've felt in the past…even when I'm exhausted and he's being, well, his impaired self.
And for all of this I am very, very grateful.
Work is easier, my quick wit (we can debate how funny it is) is returning, and I'm realizing just how much I love H in spite of it all. And a little support from H and our family goes a long way in helping me feel better too.
I also realize just how impaired H is - not just in the "big" things, like not being able to cook a meal - but in small things, like tracking a simple conversation, mumbling half the words in a sentence, or struggling to wash a pan because "no matter how much I wash it, it just feels oily." (It wasn't.)
Weekday schedule now is work 8 - 5 & intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy) 6 - 9:30. Throw in physical therapy and psychotherapy once a week each and 2 AA meetings a week and I'm max'd out. Too much therapy if you ask me…. And just for fun, I'm getting a cold too.
Happily, sister and nieces are cooking for H and he likes seeing them and they love to spend time with him. And a nurse is now coming in to manage meds for H.
Nice to have some relief so that I can take care of myself.
But best of all is that my anger towards H is diminishing in a big way and I'm able to be more patient and kind. I simply don’t have the hostility towards him that I've felt in the past…even when I'm exhausted and he's being, well, his impaired self.
And for all of this I am very, very grateful.
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