I'm sorry you're stuck

I was watching TV in the living room and I hear H talking to me from the kitchen.

"I'm sorry that you're stuck caring for me," he says softly.

I couldn't say it's OK, because it's not. I couldn't say I'm not stuck, because I am (tho' by choice, I suppose...). I couldn't say that I don't want to do it anymore, even tho' that's true.

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

Whine, whine, whine

The malaise is striking...what I'm finding is that I'm as busy as ever, but I don't care all that much anymore. It's not depression so much as just being bored with it all...so I go through all the motions of being a good employee, a good caregiver. No surprise, but none of this seems important or even fulfilling.

I'd rather be gardening. And that's what I've been doing with any free time.

Was talking with H's local sister and the comparison is striking: she's so busy with work and family, but she calls it all "boring." Not that she doesn't love her family, just that she's looking forward to the last kid leaving the nest and it can't happen fast enough. And her work is anything but fulfilling or even interesting now...even tho' she loved it in the past. Drudgery she calls her life.

She seems tired, distracted, mopey, bored, a tad bitter, "flat," and, if you look under the veneer, just a bit afraid. Tho' maybe just projecton as I feel like this too.

Maybe this is just the infamous "mid-life crisis" showing up for both of us as we hit 50. Maybe we're both just a bit burned out living the lives that we have.

Surprisingly, H mentioned to me that I should take a vacation by myself. When I've floated this in the past, he's been upset at the idea. The ironic rub is that, at this point, it doesn't seem appealing...it doesn't seem, well, enough. And, of course, I'd have to arrange care for him.

When I've added time to my business trips to get a break, I've found that it isn't a respite, really; mostly it just emphasizes how lonely I feel. I'm in a strange city and while I can certainly find short-lived puerile companionship, that isn't what I really want. Well, yea, but then they go away and there you are, alone... What I'd really like is to be able to take a trip with a partner again...to have that shared experience of travelling and being a tourist.

H suggested visiting his family down South...err, I don't think so. This is just so not a break in my mind...besides, I'm still sore at them for all of the BS that I have gotten from them, not to mention their denial, and abscence from H's life. Yea, forgiveness...don't know that I can muster that right now. Besides, I don't want to talk about H with them anymore (unless something happens) and if I see them, then that's what it will be.

Really got no friends out of town that I want to visit.

Whine, whine, whine.

H said to me once that the only way out of his situation, the only path that he can see ahead of him, is to die. His health won't get any better...this is as good as it gets, he fears.

Maybe the root of my malaise is the same: this is as good as it gets. And the only resolution is for H to die.

Being the bearer

H's sister and her family are coming to town this weekend for a family birthday bash. (H's parents are not coming to town, which is AOK.) I haven't seen his sister in about 4 years…last time she came up to see H because we were told that he was going to die in 6 months. But, another anti-viral med came out and pulled him back.

But the past year or so has been strained with his family because I moved so aggressively to place him last year.

Because they're not local, they don't see how H is really doing except when he goes to visit once a year or so…like he did last Thanksgiving. And he tends to put on a good show for them, although "he does sleep a lot."

As is the case with H, whenever I raise the issue of my burnout (e.g., my experience), their response is that this means divorce and they get all discounting and accusatory on my ass. Really, what I'd like would be some support and sympathy, but they can't seem to muster it and neither can H.

So, I'm not certain what to expect when they're all in town again.

I guess that no matter how I play it, I am the bad guy. And I just need to accept that. After all, I'm the one who struggles to deal and if I can't, then they are terrified that they will have to step up.

The only way I know how to play it is to tell my truth and if they start to get surly and I feel defensive, I'll just tell them that I love H and I’m doing the best I can…and then just walk away.

My biggest challenge is to approach the time with them with an open mind (& heart!) and not have any expectations. But right now, I find that rather daunting.

Uresolved

When H and I have had issues to deal with and we've gotten angry, usually there is some resolution to that tension. Someone takes responsibility, we agree to do something different, or one or both of us just says, "Yup, you're right." And mostly, something changes.

But now, instead of being resolved, well…it doesn't .

Recently, H got up from a nap after not having eaten all day…it was late, 9pm. I had just worked an 11 hour day and was making dinner: very tasty Reuben sandwiches with cole slaw and homemade baked potato chips. (!)

He was very upset about "sandwiches again for dinner" and "we've been having a lot of sandwiches." Uhhh, no…a few times in the past month. The night before I made a fabulous dinner, but he couldn't remember what we ate. Most of our meals are homemade meals.

So, tense words ensue and what we said doesn't matter. Unfortunately, H can't deal with me when I get angry anymore…. And he can't acknowledge the issue because he's so puzzled or he doesn't understand what the big deal is, so my anger doesn't abate.

There are many, many other examples like this, but more and more it involves a lack of resolution about the issue. Not just for me, but for us. We're not working on the issue together.

I need to get to the point where unresolved issues don't matter to me.

Honestly, I don't see how I can do that....

Burnout = divorce

During dinner last night, I was chatting with H and he was after me for my "flat, sarcastic delivery" about how much Christmas costs every year and how I'm trying to manage that down for this year.

I said that I didn't mean to be sarcastic, but I'm just tired and burned out.

He looks at me intently and says, "Well, we should just get a divorce." And he goes on from there about an attorney, selling the house, whatever....blah, blah, blah.

I said in a flat, tho', not sarcastic voice, "Well, if that's what you want." Truth be told, at least this would be one way out of this mess.

He flies into another tirade about something related to whatever, whereby I get up from the dining room table and walk away.

What's striking to me is that this is the same M.O. that his family has: whenever I raise my experience and my struggles with caring for H, I get the consistent comment, (sigh) "Well, I guess that means divorce then."

While I understand that no one in the family will take H, what I don't understand is how little empathy there is for my struggles caring for him.

Why is it that saying something is hard for me causes these folks to jump to divorce?

Perhaps this is all just their guilt, but I think that the motives are much more pedestrian: money. They all know that I support H and without me, who will or can? If it's labelled divorce, then maybe he or they get a settlement?

Later in the evening, H is all mopey and affectionate. After a bit of TV, I go off to bed in the guest room.

At this point, I have to confess that I don't care much anymore, really.