Healthier weirdness

Now that H has had his gallbladder out, he is doing much better with eating. And he's just not in bed as much. I mean, he's up much of the day now on weekends, he's tidying up the house, and starting up long-mothballed projects.

This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.

It's so strange to have someone who has been in bed for 13 of the past 15 years and now he's not...to go from bed-ridden and terminal to talking about his hope for the future. I don't know how to be with him as a partner anymore...just as a caregiver.

And the MRI showed no changes in his brain over the last 5 years or so. I have fears it means this will just drag on and on.

I don't trust it. I don't really like it. And it pisses me off, "Where have you been the last decade, my dear?"

Oh sure, I'm happy for him that he's feeling better. But, the dissonance in my head is daunting. How do I reconcile the "I just wish you'd die already" feelings with the happiness *for him*. Well, I can't.

Resistance is futile (or at least hurts)

I keep circling back to the notion that all suffering is caused by not accepting what is.

Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.

Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.

When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?

Stress, anger, resentment, just generally being in a foul mood and being unhappy. Anger at H and what I'm missing and I have to deal with. A bunch of crazy stuff at work that I get all riled up about. Negative voices in my head telling me just how f*'d up this all is.

Now, the trick is to accept reality as my facts and circumstances...some things I can change, some I can't (hopefully, I can tell the difference).

I can't change H and I can't really change work (much). All I can do is resist or accept reality.

Granted, I may not like what is happening, but fighting it and being all pissed off just hurts me.

Whine, whine, whine

The malaise is striking...what I'm finding is that I'm as busy as ever, but I don't care all that much anymore. It's not depression so much as just being bored with it all...so I go through all the motions of being a good employee, a good caregiver. No surprise, but none of this seems important or even fulfilling.

I'd rather be gardening. And that's what I've been doing with any free time.

Was talking with H's local sister and the comparison is striking: she's so busy with work and family, but she calls it all "boring." Not that she doesn't love her family, just that she's looking forward to the last kid leaving the nest and it can't happen fast enough. And her work is anything but fulfilling or even interesting now...even tho' she loved it in the past. Drudgery she calls her life.

She seems tired, distracted, mopey, bored, a tad bitter, "flat," and, if you look under the veneer, just a bit afraid. Tho' maybe just projecton as I feel like this too.

Maybe this is just the infamous "mid-life crisis" showing up for both of us as we hit 50. Maybe we're both just a bit burned out living the lives that we have.

Surprisingly, H mentioned to me that I should take a vacation by myself. When I've floated this in the past, he's been upset at the idea. The ironic rub is that, at this point, it doesn't seem appealing...it doesn't seem, well, enough. And, of course, I'd have to arrange care for him.

When I've added time to my business trips to get a break, I've found that it isn't a respite, really; mostly it just emphasizes how lonely I feel. I'm in a strange city and while I can certainly find short-lived puerile companionship, that isn't what I really want. Well, yea, but then they go away and there you are, alone... What I'd really like is to be able to take a trip with a partner again...to have that shared experience of travelling and being a tourist.

H suggested visiting his family down South...err, I don't think so. This is just so not a break in my mind...besides, I'm still sore at them for all of the BS that I have gotten from them, not to mention their denial, and abscence from H's life. Yea, forgiveness...don't know that I can muster that right now. Besides, I don't want to talk about H with them anymore (unless something happens) and if I see them, then that's what it will be.

Really got no friends out of town that I want to visit.

Whine, whine, whine.

H said to me once that the only way out of his situation, the only path that he can see ahead of him, is to die. His health won't get any better...this is as good as it gets, he fears.

Maybe the root of my malaise is the same: this is as good as it gets. And the only resolution is for H to die.