Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's been a long time since snippets

Finally finished up a major project at work and am coming up for air. Work continues to be a welcome distraction from home...I prefer work to home. Work = respite for me.

H continues his inexorable decline and it's hard for me to watch, as it has been for years.

Sometimes, I look at H and wonder where he has gone. Yea, I know what happened, but it's strange to be around this person wearing H's costume. Occasionally, I get a glimpse of a non-demented H, but not very often.

Placement is as placement does
The other night, H asked me quietly, "Can I go to the nursing home?"

"OK. Is that what you want?" I asked. In the past, he's only brought up a nursing home when he's been mad at me…"just to get away from you" is what he'd yell.

"Yes," he said, "at least there I'll get the occasional hand job."

Sigh. Right. Frankly, I think he's depressed, lonely, and isolated here in the house by himself so much. A nursing home would at least give him a community, some social outlet...if not the occasional hand job.

Trouble is, I don't know if he's really serious as he often takes shots at my expense. But, I'll ask him about it again soon.

While I very much want to be relieved of my burden, it is very sad to consider that he'd be moving out and on.

It only hurts all the time
H is in a lot of pain these days. His pain meds aren't covering his neuropathy pain, but taking more meds just knocks him out. He is very frustrated and tired of the struggle and all of his pain and meds that make him sick. My poor guy.

Wood elves in the wardrobe
About 15 years ago, H was in a nursing home recovering from a bad bought of pneumonia. The guy across the hall, a young guy, would go on and on about the wood elves in the wardrobe in his room. "They're hiding right now, but when you leave, they'll come back and harass me," he would say.

H told me at that time that if he was ever like that, commit him. Well, we don't have fairies in the cabinets, but we do have a long string of paranoid delusions: our neighbors monkeying with the property lines so that we have to tear down the house, various conspiracy theories where H is the last man out, and any time a leaf is out of place in our front/back yard, someone is coming into the yard with ill intent.

Dreaming of home
H continues to dream that he's half naked, can't find his car and his cane and so can't get home. A shopping mall is in his way and he can't go around it because it's too far without his cane. He can't go through it because he'll get lost. He has the same dream over and over again and never makes progress towards his goal. He wakes up anxious & sweating at home, in his bed.