Monday, February 21, 2011

Resistance is futile (or at least hurts)

I keep circling back to the notion that all suffering is caused by not accepting what is.

Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.

Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.

When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?

Stress, anger, resentment, just generally being in a foul mood and being unhappy. Anger at H and what I'm missing and I have to deal with. A bunch of crazy stuff at work that I get all riled up about. Negative voices in my head telling me just how f*'d up this all is.

Now, the trick is to accept reality as my facts and circumstances...some things I can change, some I can't (hopefully, I can tell the difference).

I can't change H and I can't really change work (much). All I can do is resist or accept reality.

Granted, I may not like what is happening, but fighting it and being all pissed off just hurts me.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Wanna see something really scary?

For the first time in a long time, H told me that he was frightened last night.

I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.

But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show."

"I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the story is, first."

He continues, "I mean...I know I'm slipping, but I don't want to know why or what is causing it."

I just held him while he sobbed and told him that I love him. What else can you do?

I wish I could tell him that it will be OK and that there's nothing to worry about. But I don't believe that is true. Well, maybe it's true, but my hope has waned with his health.

As much as I desire to be free from my burden and desire him to be free of his, it's getting from here to there that is terrifying. And seeing him afraid is very hard.

H continues to have dreams where he can't find his cane or his car. He's half-naked and looking for a way home, but without his cane or car, he can't start the trip home, but he knows he has to get there somehow.

Friday, February 04, 2011

Dopa, dopa
H's neurologist thinks that his shaking may be caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that produces dopamine. So, will try some Parkinson's meds to see if it helps him. And an MRI next week to see what's going on inside. Most likely, more brain damage from the virus, Dr tell us. H's other neurological symptoms are progressing as well.

Why I sleep so much
I asked him recently how he deals with all this: his failing health, being homebound, feedling sick all the time and in pain (I was more diplomatic and sensitive about it when I said it, of course). He said that is why he wants to sleep so much, so he can escape the pain, feeling sick, and despair about his condition.

Finally, I'm getting him to talk about these issues and he's not defensive or angry about it. Finally, I think that he is moving towards (some) acceptance of his situation, even tho' he doesn't like it.
The thing that is hardest about this for me is that I know he is tired, I know that he is hurting, and I know that his will to keep going on is fading. His will has always pulled him through his health challenges, but he is tired of fighting. But, of course, there's nothing I can do about any of that except help him and love him, which somehow doesn't seem enough.

I wish I could kiss him and make him better, but I can't (well, I can kiss him anyway).

Fun and fun
Last night I was tired and cranky. I told H that between him (5 trips to the pharmacy and 2 Dr. appts. this week), the pets, the house, and my job...all I do is work and I'm tired of it.

I appreciate that H didn't judge or wasn't defensive, but said, "I know that this is hard for you. Of course you're tired."

I know that need to get out and have fun. OK. Right now, I don't even know what might be fun any more. Now, not trying to be all morose or anything, but after all this time, the only thing that seems fun anymore is to start drinking and smoking again (which I won't).

That isn't fun...that is addictive behavior to escape.