Monday, February 07, 2011

Wanna see something really scary?

For the first time in a long time, H told me that he was frightened last night.

I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.

But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show."

"I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the story is, first."

He continues, "I mean...I know I'm slipping, but I don't want to know why or what is causing it."

I just held him while he sobbed and told him that I love him. What else can you do?

I wish I could tell him that it will be OK and that there's nothing to worry about. But I don't believe that is true. Well, maybe it's true, but my hope has waned with his health.

As much as I desire to be free from my burden and desire him to be free of his, it's getting from here to there that is terrifying. And seeing him afraid is very hard.

H continues to have dreams where he can't find his cane or his car. He's half-naked and looking for a way home, but without his cane or car, he can't start the trip home, but he knows he has to get there somehow.

1 comment:

ChickPea said...

Hugs to you both - x x