Monday, May 17, 2010

Why isn't it better?

When H is sickest, needless to say, our relationship declines. He's not cogent, feels awful, and there are other priorities.

But then, when he gets better, he goes on about how our relationship isn't what he wants it to be, that it ought to be better. Yet, he doesn't remember what's happened.

So, I find myself with someone who's been asleep for close to a year and then wakes up and wants their life to be what they want.

And, he can't understand that when he's sick, our relationship is all about me being guardian/caregiver and the last thing on my mind is what is going on with our relationship. I have other concerns, such as, "Is he going to die?"

He'll tell me that he's unhappy about this or that aspect of our time together and while I want to be sympathetic (and I am) to not getting needs met from a relationship, part of me just wants to slap him. "Don't you realize that it's like this because of your health? How can that not have an affect on our lives together?"

"Well, I'm better now," is what he'll say, "so there's nothing to worry about."

Yea, but tell that to person with PTSD. The event is over, but they are irrevocably changed, and not for the better

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I'm sorry you're stuck, redux

Last night, I talked with H about his comment: "I'm sorry that you're stuck caring for me."

I thanked him for acknowledging what a difficult situation this is and I told him that I don't blame him for it.

"Where we are is because of your illness, not you," I told him. "I don't blame you for this, I blame your health. I wish that it was different, but it is what it is."

(Lots of conversation not worth repeating here.)

The core issue is that H can't accept that our relationship is irrevocably changed...he keeps telling me that I'm "punishing him" by not re-engaging in a romantic relationship as soon as he's feeling better.

I told him that "I can't deal with the whiplash. You're going to die, no you're not, then you're going to die again, then you get better and want me to be the loving man that I was earlier in our time. You don't remember last year, you could hardly get out of bed, couldn't make a sandwich, and now you want me to act like nothing ever happened. I can't keep up emotionally."

"No, I don't remember what happened last year, but I know I was in bed a lot," he says.

I continue, "If you want me to show up, you need to show up too. And you haven't for years, except for a few months at a time. I do love you H and I want to make certain you're OK, but I'm mostly a nurse now anyway, not a partner."

And then the divorce word comes up again. Sigh.

So we go through all of that again. And I told him that I'm not going to make him leave, but if he wants to, let's talk about that, but where will he go?

The whole thing netted out to him begging me to place him at the facility that we have planned on using when the need arises. Then he told me he didn't want to talk about this anymore.

This morning, I asked him if he remembered our conversation last night and what he thought about it.


Monday, May 03, 2010

I'm sorry you're stuck

I was watching TV in the living room and I hear H talking to me from the kitchen.

"I'm sorry that you're stuck caring for me," he says softly.

I couldn't say it's OK, because it's not. I couldn't say I'm not stuck, because I am (tho' by choice, I suppose...). I couldn't say that I don't want to do it anymore, even tho' that's true.

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.