Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Getting closer

Today we had friends over for dinner; they bring the pizza and conversation and I help with their taxes. Fair trade. One person, K, said that when she arrived that H was confused about putting clean dishes away..."a big deal project" for H, she said, "he got overwhelmed"...and that he kept forgetting what part of the floor he had last swept.

I said that I think I'll have to put H in a nursing home in 6 - 12 months and she says..."no, on the short side of that...I'd be surprised if he makes it to 6 months given what I saw today."

Later, I was talking with H about my conversation with my boss about my work. While I'm not in trouble or anything like that (I don't think), I am very behind in my work and have missed 6 weeks in the last 6 months due to H's health. H was very surprised and felt very bad that it's so hard for me to work...I told him that I can't concentrate and am upset all of the time. He says, well I'm home now, so you can stop worrying.

Not true. I explained how everytime that he went into the hospital, it affects me for awhile afterwards, not to mention the cummulative affect of 3 hospitalizations in 6 months (and 10+ years now of AIDs-realted health issues). I'm depressed, worried, scared, anxious, generally whacked out, overwhelmed, plain and simple and it's hard for me to work. Now I'm worried about work...I have to dig out right now....review time is coming up...and I worry that I don't have it in me, that I am so worn down. (I will find a way, if there is one.)

He said he felt really, really bad and went to take a nap.

I started thinking that maybe it's just me that is in denial about this. That it is my fear, my lack of objectivity that is making this worse for both of us. A friend of ours, C, tells me that what is best for H may not be what either H or I want. She backs me too in putting H in a nursing home and she has known H for 25 years and me for nearly as long. His family backs this too and all of our friends, save for the very, very few that don't want to get caught in any crossfire. Doctors are all onboard as well.

It isn't his death that I'm afraid of; it's what happens between now and then that worries me. We talked about that the other night...the same conversation where I told him that he doesn't have to stay solely on my account. And, that I have a plan, such as it is. He seemed very pleased on both accounts.

How gut wrenching is that? Saying your piece is the right thing, but man these are hard topics.

What I haven't done is talked with H about the distinct possibility, likelihood really, that he will need to go to a nursing facility soon. Probably sooner than either of us like. This is probably the best thing for H. Unfortunately, except for visiting, he won't be coming home most likely.

Time to take the tranqs, get a good night's sleep, and hit the job running tomorrow morning.

Now, I would ask that you pray for both H and me: strength for me and peace for him.

Monday, April 10, 2006


Today is our 23-year anniversary and I am not in a celebrating mood.

Sunday before last, H went into the hospital again with seizures. He came home only a few days ago. Each time he goes into the hospital for seizures, it takes a lot out of him. And me.

He get's less and less functional and cogent and I get more and more tired. Sadly, his care needs are increasing when I'm beginning to stumble from being so tired all the time.

And work? It is a joke that I'm even coming to the office now and then. No work gets done...I'm too upset.

Just how much longer can this go on?