A birthday, an upcoming visitation, and a tire

Yesterday was H's birthday and it was a peaceful day at home, thankfully. I made his favorite coconut curry dinner and made some homemade bannana walnut bread. A few cards, a modest gift. A happy birthday song first thing in the morning while he's sitting on the john. Just a typical day.

In a few weeks, we'll have some friends come and visit for a week or so. One of the guys, S, has been here several times already and he's a delightful guest (and a sweet man to boot). His sometimes BF, P, will be coming with for the first time and it will be nice to meet him finally.

H is a bit worried about them coming to visit. He said the other night, "I think that I'll need a wheelchair when I go places with ." What? H tells me that he's having a hard time walking around these days, that his legs aren't working properly...uncoordinated and sore and get very tired quickly. We'll talk with the doctor about this next visit, but my guess is that we're just seeing the progression of the brain damage (walking can become harder).

Make that a spare tire. Sigh. I've been trying to be good, but not good enough. I'm at my all time high weight and while I certainly have gained muscle mass over the past several years, what I'm seeing hanging over my belt is not muscle. Must eat less and exercise more.

Gaming & shrinking

Our life together has shrunk.

From a wide range of activities, friends, intellectual & prurient interests, hobbies, house projects, each having varyingly successful careers at different times, relocations to exotic places, our family of pets.

To what we are having for dinner, how he's feeling, how my job search is going, and most recently some rather distressing games on H's part.

I thank Jeff (comment in last entry) for pointing out that it's just anger escaping his body. I forget that from time to time. H is angry and he is also feeling guilty. If I were in his shoes, I would be as well.

While I understand, hearing things like "I sleep all weekend because you don't want to be around me," "you're embarassed to go out in public with me" and so on is really hard. There's this whole guilt tripping thing going on and outbursts of anger. Putting words in my mouth that basically position him as the victim and me as the guilty party in his victimhood.

A friend of mine refers to this as the "tyranny of the ill."

H has always wanted to be morally superior in all manners: "I'm a good boy, I know what is right, I do what is right (so that I won't get in trouble)." A family of origin issue for him.

And so that continues today. But in the past, there was so much more of our life together the moral superiority thing was small enough in comparison that it wasn't so bothersome.

And, the anniversary incident pushed me very far away and I am disengaging more and more emotionally. I don't think that was H's intent, but it is the result.

The end result is that there is little left for us but the gaming, the setting of the hook to see if I'll bite.

I am not engaging in the guilt tripping. I refuse to. I just smile and don't comment. What else is there to do? If I engage and take the bait, then it opens the door to more manipulation.

My belief is that me taking the bait less and less will result in him becoming less and less happy being at home.

My desparate hope is that it makes it more likely that H will willingly go to the facility. Although I have power of attorney and could "force" him there, I would prefer not to.

It is so very sad to see it shrink like it is. But it is what it is and I am doing the best I can to forgive myself, to forgive H, and to forgive all of our situation and past so that I can focus on loving him. I desperately wish that he would focus on forgiveness as well, but I don't see how that will happen with him at home.