Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Bits 'n' bats

Cutting myself some slack

I've been really ragging on myself recently about: my drinking, my performance at work, my social life, my emotional state, my choices, my depression, etc. etc. etc.

I keep forgetting that this is the cost of my choice to stay with H, plain and simple.

Once I started giving myself some grace for why I'm where I’m at, I felt much better. Forgiving others is one thing, forgiving yourself is harder, I think.

At least it's not home

After a bit of time off last week, I can happily say that work is refreshing and just a bit overwhelming. Home is just bleak.

I used to find that I enjoyed his companionship, that it nurtured me to be with him. That is no longer the case.

Odd that work is more fulfilling than home...not because work is so great, but that it's not home.

Giving up

I've tried a bunch of ways to deal with my depression: exercise, cutting back on my drinking, eating better, …. But it's just too oppressive, bordering on debilitating.

Depression is one of the stages of grief, the one that says "I can't bear to face going through this." And I really just can't.

So, today I will schedule an appointment with my Dr. to go back on my anti-depressants. Goodbye, sweet Johnson…it was nice getting to know you again.

4 comments:

Sorata said...

Hello, I found your blog through your comment left at Greg's blog, Wits' End.

I just want to drop a line and tell you how strong I think you are. It takes a lot of strength to have to go through what you're doing, and I couldn't imagine how painful it is for you at times.

Like Greg, you have my total respect as well.

Robert said...

I know just how hard it is to keep going with a partner who either needs constant care or is just about to...

If it's any consolation, I think that you're doing the "right" thing.

Best wishes -

Y | O | Y said...

Maybe a vacation? My trips to NYC and Utah did me wonders.

A Single Man said...

Thanks sorata and robert for your encouragement.

@ YOY Yup, I need a vacation away...I'm glad that yours were helpful.