Oh, the drama of it all.
H has always liked reality television, such as Wife Swap, Nanny 911, etc. But now, he's completely focused on RTV (Reality TV), especially those shows that include yelling, screaming, fist fights, police takedowns, acerbic meter maids, crashes, etc. The noisier the better.
Grieving in the dark.
When the house is quiet at night, when H and all the animals have gone to bed, that's when I feel the saddest. Mostly, this is when I can finally hear myself think (see above). It's only then that I feel really, really sad for H and all that he has lost. And I feel sad that our lives have ended up where they are. I wish that there was some way to grieve, get it over with, and just be done with this mess…I have been grieving for over 15 years now. Ironically, I would have grieved less if he had just died 15 years ago.
As much as I grieve in the dark, it also comes up for me at odd times...in the grocery store, at the dentist (?), driving to work. I'm sad because I see what H has lost...pretty much everything at this point. And I'm sad that I can't help him, really. Hell, I'm sad that I can't help myself. And I'm sad that he's afraid...I am too.
Stuck in the past.
As I stumble into the future (which keeps arriving before I'm ready), H is rooted firmly in the past. He focuses on his anger towards his parents, getting arrested 20 year ago for minor possession, on how our relationship has never been what he wanted, how he was disadvantaged in school, how he had strokes as a child…. What can you say to someone who is living anywhere but here and now? Meet them where they are? Tell them to get over it? Just nod and listen?
Letting go.
H and I are moving farther and farther apart...at least I feel that way more and more. We spend less time talking than ever before...some of that is that H doesn't know what to say; I don't either. What can I share with him that he'd understand? What can he share with me that is relevant? He often sits in the office with his back to the blaring TV, staring at his computer screen. We are hardly even in the same room in the house anymore...a just metaphor for our life together.
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Musings, rants, heartaches, & commentary from a soon-to-be widower after 27 years with a wonderful man.
About Me
- A Single Man
- West Coast, United States
- Calendar says "middle-aged" gay guy in large metro area. Gardener, computer geek, artist, sweetheart, caregiver. Generally shy & reserved, except in print! Struggling to deal with my partner losing his mind and dying slowly from AIDS, my own stuff about aging while looking for meaning and fun through it all.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry to be somewhat cruel, but in all the post there is something missing. Choice.
Yes I am not you, yes I have been with people ill and dying but am not now. Yes this is lecturing.
But, you and him have the choice to turn all this around.
Yes illness is horrible. But why does life have to be this horror ride. It is almost like suffering is enjoyed. You could turn it around.
Do it. Look death and suffering in the face and go - right, you are real but you don't have to rule my life.
Turn your back on sadness.
@anonymous
Thanks for the lecture. Yup, I make the choice to stay with H and to walk with him through this.
Unfortunately, it is sad, what H and I are going through. How can losses not be sad?
To not be sad when presented with losses is denial.
But, yea, I write here to clear my grief, to accept it, to embrace it.
But no, I don't enjoy it.
Anonymous: You're either out of touch, cruel, lack compassion, or all of the above.
Anon2
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