As always, life grinds on and on...push the rock up, it rolls down, push it up again (rinse and repeat...).
I wonder about finding meaning in life with all this grinding and rolling. I'm not talking about meaning in the abstract sense, but in the concrete sense of "here is why I get up every morning." This is not depression, mind you...just a heart and mind looking for a mission, for peace, for adult company, for satisfaction, for fun, for an adventure worth having.
H continues to be sort of a mess with a few stays at the hospital since I've last written. Pretty routine seizure (they think) activity. He's still declining although it is slow, almost imperceptible...at least until I see him try to have a conversation with someone. More of the same.
Part of the grind is living with someone I don't want to live with anymore. Over time, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like H much as he is now. I would prefer not to be around him, to not have to deal with him, to close that chapter in my life. If I could, I would just "wish him into the corn field." (sic)
I've written here about the delusions and the paranoia. Recently, tho', a heap o' narcissism is cropping up and, after all, it is all about him. It is all about people listening to him (which means they must agree with him and do as he says) and of course, if they're struggling, it is because they didn't listen to him. Nothing worse than someone who knows what's good for someone else and has no hesitation in telling them with conviction.
All of this is to say that I generally feel pretty happy (really), but struggle with putting one foot in front of another (with purpose) as I move through time with H. It's hard for me to imagine that I'd place H because I tire of him, because he pisses me off, because I'm tired, because I don't like him anymore, because he is dead weight.
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Musings, rants, heartaches, & commentary from a soon-to-be widower after 27 years with a wonderful man.
About Me
- A Single Man
- West Coast, United States
- Calendar says "middle-aged" gay guy in large metro area. Gardener, computer geek, artist, sweetheart, caregiver. Generally shy & reserved, except in print! Struggling to deal with my partner losing his mind and dying slowly from AIDS, my own stuff about aging while looking for meaning and fun through it all.
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2 comments:
Life is a mystery that was people have said to me...for me life is an adventure
Oh God "Single Man".......sometimes "one foot in front of the other" might be what we are left with. But, I can't help to see the "20 something years" in the heading. All I can say is "I am so sorry that your dreams of joy and togetherness are vanishing in front of you and you have no reprieve from them. I am so sorry......I can not imagine a worst heartbreak but to see a dream broken with no avail........and no other solution but to walk through fire because there is no other path left to walk......So sorry man........Some will understand, but few will comprehend......but, please accept my words if you could.....sometimes....walking through fire might be the best of choices left, so you manage to grease up the soles of your feet with some whale oil, you say a little prayer......and head on to the fire........hoping for the best. Not a very joyful perspective, but some of us are made of made of some mystical fluid metal that allows us to melt and be remade into something else. So hoping you are made of such man......My best wishes to you and your partner in this path. Grateful that you have placed this venue here because it is a venue for you,but also a venue for so many others who share your path. Thank you.
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