Tuesday, August 07, 2012

A coupla a snippets

Lost at the mall

I come home from work yesterday and H is not there. One of the cars is gone, so I figure that he's gone to visit a neighbor. I don't like him driving and I discourage it...my therapist tells me that I just need to take the car keys (just like I took the stove knobs).

After awhile, he comes back and tells me that he's been to the mall...his dad gave us some gift cards and H was just looking to spend them.

Later in the evening, he tells me that he couldn't find the car in the mall parking lot after he went shopping. Well, he knew where the car was, he said, but he couldn't remember out how to get to the car on foot. Now, the lot he parked in is where we usually park when we go the mall.

I'm glad that he told me about this incident and I responded with calmness and interest...not anger as I often do.

H has had a recurring dream about going to the mall and then not being able to find the car...the mall is too big to go around and too confusing to go through. So, he can't get home. Usually, he wakes up without being able to find the car.

Odd how reality echoes dreams...

Happily, it ended well and H went to mall security to help them find the car. They did and H drove home.

Anger is easier

I have been struggling with anger towards H for a long time. And the anger motivates me. Unfortunately, anger also is not the way that I'd like to respond to H (or to anyone, really). Instead of using anger to derive my strength, I need to let my love for H drive the right outcome for us.

But it is easier to feel angry than to focus on my love for H and for doing the right thing out of love. With anger, I don't have to feel the sadness, fear, distress...you name it. If I focus instead on the love I have for him, it is very upsetting, as you would expect.

And, if I focus on love, then I can center on what is best for H (and for me) as opposed to "I have to get him out of the house or I will go crazy (which is also true)." At this point, the focus needs to be keeping H safe, regardless of all the other issues.

Taking account

I've begun to write down what is going on with H. For example, leaving the windows open, leaving the burner on, getting lost at the mall. I need to focus on what is actually happening as opposed to what H says about his abilities and what I wish were true.

In many ways, I am grateful that these things are happening now...suddenly and in a cluster.

I need to be objective about what is going on with him. I will need this info as I yes, once again, consider placement for him.

Sad to say that what is happening is, in fact, happening. Been here before with dementia, except these types of things usually happen when his viral load is high. Right now, his viral load is effectively zero.

1 comment:

citygirl said...

Sorry i haven't been commenting in a long time. Just catching up on my reading now. It's very important to document incidents so you have a record of events/dates so you can refer to it if/when the time for placement comes. It's hard to remember dates/exact details when you're so tired and stressed from caregiving. I had a record of my mom's events and it was surprising to read it when it came time...I honnestly don't know how we survived.