Friday, October 13, 2006

Magnetic & dodging the bullet

While H has been poz and quite ill for some time (over 10 years now), I've managed to dodge the bullet somehow and continue to test negative. Whew. I've been waiting to hear a poz diagnosis (and I wouldn't be suprised really), but my results are always negative.

Many people assume that because my long-term partner is poz that I must be as well. Certainly, given some of the things that we've done in the past, before we knew his diagnosis, you would think that I would have ended up poz. Use your imagination....

What's wild about all this is that H and I were monogamous for many, many years, probably 15 or so. We both prefer monogamy (we are "built" that way, if you will) and we also realized in the 80's that being so would somehow protect us from the plague that was just starting among our friends and acquaintances. Guess not.

While I'm not going to go down the road of how he seroconverted (although I have my theories), I consider myself very, very lucky. At this point, how he got it is less important than he has been very ill the past year and may not have much time left here.

While I don't object per se to having sex with someone who is poz (as you can probably imagine, I'm safe to the point of paranoia these days), I do have issues with having sex with someone who looks sick.... And he does.

Ever see those old men with a round soccer-ball belly, thin arms and legs, no chest or ass, shuffling down the street with a cane? H looks like that now, but his face still looks like he's in his 30s and he still has most of his hair.

I wish that I could get past my visceral reaction to how he looks, but I can't. The magnetism just isn't there anymore (it hasn't been for a long time) and that is sad.

And so it goes.

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