Thursday, October 05, 2006

Keeping me from living

Have I stayed with H because I'm afraid of being on my own. A therapist some time ago asked me, "What keeps me from living while waiting for him to die? "

Am I hesitating so much to press for putting H in a nursing home because then I'll have to figure out my life and I can't blame him anymore for me not getting what I need?

I don't think that this is the case, but I do know that I fantasize a lot about being on my own, having freedom, which to me means less responsibility in general, and specifically, less responsibility to care for someone else.

I have held back from pursuing him getting care, going into a nursing facility, because I can't bear to break his heart...and I know it would. And I don't know that I could live with myself.

But I do know that I am done with the romantic part of our relationship and have been for a long, long time. He isn't done and lives in a fantasy world of somehow our relationship will get better...if I were him, I'd hang on to that hope as well.

The rub in not taking action due to concerns about how he might feel means that I miss opportunities...opportunities that may not come along again.

For example, some years ago I met a great as hell, built, smart, successful, funny, and spiritual. Not to mention a (mostly) bottom with an amazing ass. Oh, and negative too. We clicked in a way that I do with very few people...sometimes that connection is just "there" on many levels. He was in a relationship that was winding down, mutually, and was angling to get me to leave my sick lover...not directly or rudely, but it was there. And while I do think that our paths will cross again, I have regrets today for letting my loyalty and fear keep me from something that I know I wanted...and that I still want now, 4 years later.

And there were others and while maybe the connection wasn't as strong, if I were single...I know that I wouldn't be for very long. I'm just too relationship oriented.

How long can I hold my breath and deny my needs? I've done it for so long that it is second, if not first, nature. No wonder I've been depressed.

I don't blame H for my choices...those are mine to own alone...but I do blame him for being sick.

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