Tuesday, November 14, 2006

When there is no there there

My last post was "at what cost?" And now I ask myself that same question about me staying to care for someone who is so ill.

What if they don't have emotional room anymore to be there for you when you need it? I can't talk with H about how I feel these days. He can't hear how difficult all this is for me, how upset I am, how distressed at at the end of my rope I am. I get that. But he can't handle me being upset at all anymore about anything.

And, my friends, bless their hearts, can only hear this stuff so much. So, here it is on a blog.

In fact, on the rare occasion that H & I have an arguement these days (usually, I just let things go, which is why I've been so depressed in the past) and I raise my voice, he usually ends up cowering away and tells me that I'm "being mean." I'm just not a mean guy; I have been called many things, but never mean (until now). If fact, many people have told me that I'm one of the nicest guys they've met.

But, him seeing me upset just triggers his fear, poor man. I have learned that he can't be there for me emotionally because he has all his own stuff to deal with, but is this really a partnership anymore? And so, what I've learned is to just not share whatever is going on with me...You learn to live without that support & connection.

What if they don't have the physical ability to be your lover. And you don't want them to be your lover anymore because of how they are. You learn to live without that support & connection.

What if you don't want to go home, but you do. So, I go home, but I don't want to. There is nothing there that feeds me. It used to be that home was my refuge, but now it's my prison.

What if you have no fun together anymore. When you no longer remember what it's like to have a healthy lover. You learn to live without it.

How long do you live without these things until you don't know what they look like anymore? Does your ability to receive these gifts go away? Or is it just lying dormant? Does your skill as a partner or lover go away? I hope not. I'm eager to get back on the bicycle again.

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