Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Pushing the button

After a brief stay at the hospital (it took a few days and some heavy duty meds to get his seizures down), H was to come home. I was not happy with him coming home as he has been sent home before too early and then ended up back in the ER again a few days later as the seizures came back with a vengance.

Now, if anyone has been reading this blog, you know that when to get him into a care facility is my biggest conflict about all of this.

So, I told one of his Drs (his primary is out of town) that I didn't want H to come home and that I wanted him to be watched for a bit beforehand. H then went to an actual nursing home for a few days for observation, which gave me some time to get back on my feet after that bad cold.

What is weird for me now is that I actually pressed on his Dr. and got my way...although it was only a temporary stay. Was it really that easy to say, "I've had enough" and bang it happens. Seems too easy in some ways.

When he was in the hospital, I began to fantasize again about being on my own, without a sick partner to care for. After a day or so, I started to feel afraid of that.

Now that he is back home again (no reason to keep him in the nursing home right now), I'm eager to get on as a single man.

A friend of mine lost his lover of many years to AIDs some time ago. My friend told me that it is just a waiting game. Now, his lover died much quicker as they didn't have any advanced meds back then. So, the waiting game is longer for me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've been reading.

Some times I've been in tears reading, but I've been reading.

I'm 24 this year and I was diagnosd with HIV two years ago. I was in a monogamous relationship at the time and we just didn't realise he was HIV positive until we'd already broken up and I went for a routine check-up.

Your blog has shaken a lot of my complacency about my condition. I have a partner now who is negative, and who I love very much. The thought that one day he might go through the same experience you are fills me with regret - but also a determination that I will make the most of my life, and of our life together.

I hope that you find the peace you are looking for and that H is able to go with dignity and little suffering - and thank you for sharing all this. You have made a difference here.