Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Is that all there is?

So, back in therapy for me after about a year break. I stopped last year because, not only were my benefits running out, but also because I was running out of things to say. Yup, it's still distressing, I need to act, yup, it sucks, woe is me, time to act, no it isn't, I'm afraid, blah, blah, blah.

Now that I'm back in it, some observations:

  • My relationship with H has digressed to one of "resentful roomate" and I am not emotionally present with him...I'm just kinda "flat." I dont' know any other way to describe it...maybe it's just depression, but it doesn't feel like that. Depression for me means that I don't want to do anything, which isn't entirely true.
  • I realize just how much I don't like my life and how much I've let his illness consume me as it has been consuming him for some time. I mean, I get up, go to work, maybe the gym, come home, he's asleep until dinner's ready (which I'm making always), then he's up to eat (we don't really talk much), a few hours on the computer, and it's bed time. Weekends aren't much different.
  • Unfulfilling doesn't even come close to describing my life. And that is my responsibility, not his.
  • Caring for him and living with him is sucking me dry (no, not in that way!)

So, with all apologies to Peggy, I have to ask, "Is that all there is?" And, am I happy with that? No. Until H is no longer living with me, we will not have any reasonable "partner-like" relationship.

It is up to me to raise the topic of the nursing home with him and I just don't want to do it. Not certain why...some is guilt, some is fear, some is seeing the expression on his face. What I have to do is to not let fear stop me. I think that there is also the "I don't deserve to be happy" thing going on in my head.

One startling realization is that we all have what we think that we should have. In many ways, I do believe that we create our lives to fulfill our deepest expectations/beliefs of ourselves.

So, if you don't feel worthy of love, you don't find it...or you find a "love" that will refinforce your belief that you are not worthy of love. If you don't feel your needs matter, then you get someone who will reinforce that deeply held belief (Uhhh, HELLO!). If you don't feel worthy of success, then you get the level of success that you believe you deserve. This is the ole "what you think about, how you feel, and what you focus on" is what you get because at your deepest level it's what you believe you deserve.

All of this basically says that I am where I am because where I am is a result of my beliefs about what I deserve.

Kinda pisses me off, to tell you the truth.

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