And now the job....

For the past year and a half, I've struggled to fulfill my demanding job and take care of my sick partner, H.

It isn't just the 10 or so times he's been the hospital at least overnight; and, at least 4 times, he's been there for the better part of a week. Then pretty much a zombie for another week or two as he gets back on his feet.

It isn't just the dozen (at least) times that I've taken him to the ER because of any number of things, but mostly seizures.

It isn't just that he can't do much for himself anymore. Or that I don't get my needs met. Or that I'm exhausted.

It isn't just that I'm watching H lose his mind. Or his health. Or his personality.

It isn't just the job and all the crazy demands that it has that wants to take over my life.

It's all of the above and more stuff that I can't remember.

All of this came to a head yesterday, when having a somewhat formal conversation wth my boss about recent performance.

Apparently (and this is a surprise to me), I have "lost all credibility with management" and they're not certain that it is "recoverable."

I've missed too much time, not produced enough, and what I have produced is below what they think my ability is. (How about that for a sideways compliment?)

Now, few people here know what is really going on with my partner, but I tend not to talk about it very much for obvious reasons.

So, they have cut me slack for the past year or so, but are now putting pressure on me to ramp up the productivity.

My choices are many, but the most likely are: 1) buckle down and do my best to fix this situation or 2) go to another company. Internal transfer is not likely to work out in this case.

Problem is that I don't have the emotional energy to deal with either 1 or 2 right now.

I discussed this issue with H last night and, of course, he feels badly. How could he not?

What do I do now? I thought that I had the work thing under control. But I guess not.

Sigh.

Truth be told, there are really three things that make it hard to continue living with H:

• As long as I am his caregiver (read: live with him), then our relationship will never been what it can be. It won't ever be what it was, but there is certainly room for improvement.
• His needs for care are increasing as time goes by
• I need to focus on work and it is hard to do when you live with someone you love who is fading away