Thursday, May 15, 2008

Another piece falls away

H and I don't sleep together much anymore.

While I prefer to sleep in our big, cushy bed, his C-PAP machine is just too noisy and I get woken up 3 or 4 times a night, which makes me pretty much non-functional during the work day. So, over time I've moved into the guest room more and more frequently and now I sleep in there on "school" nights and sometimes on the weekends.

At first, I really liked the idea of sleeping alone. I sleep through the night and wake up at 5:30 - 6am without an alarm. Who would have thought that with regular good sleep, I'd have more energy, think more clearly, my mood would be better, and I'd just generally be more productive?

Even tho' many of our other couple activities had fallen away (sex, entertaining, visiting friends, joint projects and goals, intimacy), we still had the comfort, the ritual of sleeping together and of sharing a bed…even if I couldn't always sleep due to noise.

And now H is referring to our bedroom as "his" bedroom and the guest room as "your" bedroom.

Whatever else is going on, we've slept together for all these years and now we don’t. And it makes me terribly, terribly sad…not in the "Oh, I’m sad" sense, but in the visceral, painful gut-wrenching grief sad.

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