Friday, November 28, 2008

Bleak house, redux

How silly of me to think that things would be different, just because H is visiting his family for a few weeks.

While he's not been ill while travelling, somehow I thought that all would be happiness while he is gone, a chance for me to refresh and regroup and, mostly, to enjoy myself.

I don't have the seething anger and resentment with him gone, I don't have to listen him fret, I don't have to do anything for him, and I no longer hear the screaming in my head, "I am so done with this. You need to go away."

And right now, I do notice great relief from not carrying that load. I am grateful for the break.

But being here at home alone show me how wacked out I am with H just drowns out everything else in my life. And while I don't want to pin it all on H, I believe that my life would be very different if he hadn't gotten ill or if he had just simply died some years ago.

Truth be told, I've just felt empty, barren, since he left…no desire to do much of anything except drink, watch those compelling videos, and go to the gym. It's not depression; it's not a mood, it's an empty bucket.

With him gone, the issues I have with my life sting more and I oddly feel both urgency and resignation.

Whether he is here or not, I'm lonely, I drink too much, I'm tired of being celibate, I'm going to be 50 in a few months, and I'm just tired. Some is existential anxiety, but much is just asingleman's life needing some attention.

"Like the deserts miss the rain…"

1 comment:

诺尔文。谢 said...

Be strong ya.... :)