Thursday, November 06, 2008

Looking back

Now a week out of the country on work travel with my extended team. In addition to the wonders of a more tolerant society who believe "live and let live," I've really enjoyed the break from the tedium of living with H and just how helpless and hopeless he is.

My team is astoundingly smart, funny, and passionate. Sometimes I don't feel that I belong, but that is my issue as I have clearly already been accepted.

Many nights out with all of them and obvious things to say: they are not only looking for an adventure…to expand their experience…but they are also able and willing to go after it. There is a keen desire for adventure and the ability to go after it. To have fun without the "my feet hurt," "I feel sick," "I need to lie down," or "I need you to make dinner for me."

So, we are in a strange city and go clubbing…men and women, straight and gay. It is just about having fun together without accommodation. Up steep narrow, twisting stairs, dancing on a crowded floor, walking a mile back to the hotel on rough cobblestone streets at 3am.

Maybe that is what I struggle with: the notion that he needs so much accommodation and I need a peer…someone who can keep up with me. Not that I'm running marathons, but still….

"There is a fine line between being noble and being a martyr." From the Alzheimer's' Moments blog.

So, you think that you're being noble…but is expressing your grief and whining being a martyr?

And for those who haven't experienced this slow, long painful missing what you once had and talking about it being a martyr?


ChickPea said...

No - expressing your grief and venting the frustration is embracing the reality of the situation in the way that current understanding of psychology recommends. Deny yourself this pressure valve now and you store distress likely to erupt in most devastating fashion in the future.
Love is love - manifesting in many guises, not all flawless, but usually with the best of intentions. Often at great cost to the giver. Recognise the need to change a situation, and know there may be more benefit thereby than either of you anticipates - but NOT because of an implication that your giving is less valid or less worthy than it should be.
So very VERY glad you are having a great time - we all need such escapes and affirmation, and you were more than due such a break. ENJOY !

Y | O | Y said...

First, I'm glad you are having a great time!

Second, I hope my comment didn't bother you or make you feel that it was directed at you.

It was something that was pointed out to me in my situation by my best friend and it kept rattling around in my head. Since it stayed with me, I put it out there in case it fit with anyone else in a similar situation. The comment was offered as sincere reflection and I passed it on with the same intent.

Perhaps 'martyr' isn't the correct word. It made me wonder if there is a difference between doing something selflessly and continuing to do it at my own peril. And if there is a fine line, will I know when I reach it?

I apologize if this caused you any distress. I think it is healthy to express how you feel and I want to support you. I'm amazed at how well you seem to handle things!

A Single Man said...



Please don't apologize.

You really made me thing and that is what you see here in my blog.

I often wonder how long can I keep doing what I'm doing and I struggle to know where that line is.

But my question really is: am I taking care of myself sufficiently during all this? And am I just whining insteat of acting? Or am I just being too hard on myself, labelling it martyrdom or whining, because what I'm dealing with is very, veyr hard after all?

My answers are no and yes and I think so.

And that's why your comment in your blog struck the proverbial chord.