Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I want you to be there for me

While there is ample evidence that he's simply not capable of meeting my needs, I still want him to be there for me as I struggle through his waning days. But he simply can't be there in the way that I need, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Oh sure, I can intellectually understand how he's not capable anymore, that H is my patient, my job, if you will…and not my partner anymore. But my heart still yearns for him to be what he once was and to be there for me as he once was, plain and simple. How could I not?

And if we were living apart, say with H in a facility, the physical distance would be the evidence I need to really get that he is no longer there for me, literally and figuratively.

H and I continuing to live together has slowed down my grieving and transition in many ways...there is no marker like moving away or death, just a long grind down to the inevitable.

A vignette from last night (this has happened many times in the past month or two):

So last night, I'm sitting on the couch watching TV with H, holding his hand. Suddenly, his hand gets very sweaty, then very cold, and he's stopped breathing. I touch his shoulder, once, twice...nothing...Oh God is this it?...then a firm push and say his name. He comes to and says, "Oh, I must have fallen asleep."

1 comment:

ChickPea said...

Just Being There - that is a gift of untold price and inestimable worth.
A SM - for someone like H, to be given that gift of sustained company, sustained care, is a blessing beyond price. That he does not - maybe cannot - verbalise that value does not in any way detract from either the value he receives or the price in your giving. Love has many, many faces. And some are difficult to discern. Accept and be sustained by the love you find here, A SM - you well deserve, tho we may be unworthy. x