Thursday, October 02, 2008

He's not your partner anymore

I really struggle with how to view H these days. While I understand that he is sick, I keep expecting him... nee keep needing be my partner. As I've written here before, since we still live in the same house that we bought 20 years ago, I just keep hoping and filling in blanks for him.

So, I'm whining in therapy about my disappointment about not getting my needs met and how to deal with H's issues as I go out and get my needs met (nothing too salacious, just taking some nights off to visit with friends).

Now, it's hard to even do simple things without him as he gets pissed and mopes about that I don't love him, that I’m ashamed of him, that I am tired of him, and "we never do anything together anymore." Right, doing things with him is not fun for me, it is work because he is so high maintenance.

And I'm whining about how H continues to be after sex and talks about how our relationship isn't what it used to be. Yup.

At some point, I blurt out, "Well, I just think that I should be able to talk with my partner and work through these issues…"

My therapist leans forward and says, "He's not your partner anymore. He just can't be. You are in a fantasy that he is or ever will be again. Whatever he is to you, he is no longer your partner in the way that you need one. Sure you love him and care about him, but based on everything that you've told me for the past 4 years, he will never be able to give you what you need. In fact, it continues to go the other way."

What needs to shift for me is to view him as the sad, sick little man that he's become. Maybe I won't be so angry at him if I just accept this.

And maybe, just maybe, if I can think of him differently, I can begin to move on in a way that honors him and the love that we have while still getting what I need.


Sorata said...

I also think that by you not viewing him as a partner, you will not have expectations from him, and eventually, maybe H has to learn that this is all you can give him as well.

Again, don't be too hard on yourself, you are trying so hard, and we can hear your struggles. *hugs*

ChickPea said...

Yes, ASM, we hear and maybe can even feel your struggles. Birth of anything is never easy. I read here of the birth process of alternative perspectives, of developing insights. And birth is always a starting place. Who knows what may be able to grow thereafter ? Do not set limits on what may yet be.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself - for only then can you love any other as you are able to love yourself.
More love to you. I embrace you from the depths of my heart. x

Anonymous said...

ASM: I have been tracking your story for awhile. Please do what your therapist is saying and release H from your expectation. You'll both be happier. You have done the honorable thing long enough.