Monday, May 18, 2009

Life and presence

Get a life

H has been struggling with side effects from his many meds: gaining weight, sleeping a lot, and most notably, just feeling like-he-has-the-flu sick. The latter is from his antiviral meds. H wants to stop taking the antiviral meds so that he can "have a life" this Summer. In the past when he's stopped his meds, he'll feel great for a month or so and then get very ill; been through that before and would prefer not to repeat.

In some ways, I don't like it when he's feeling better. His demands on me increase…he feels better so he starts more projects, but he rarely finishes them or can finish them anymore. And when he's up and about, I should just enjoy him while he's here, but I struggle with that too: I have all those fond feelings for him that I feel very conflicted about because I've been up and down too many times before.

And when he's feeling better, his expectations rise: he wants to do stuff with me, hang out with me…normal stuff really. But I just see it as work….seems like all I do is work these days. Work at work, work at home…little down time right now. And, to be honest, it is work to be around H for me now that I'm more present.

Being present

One of the side effects of (some would say the reason for) my drinking was that I was not present when I was at home. Heh, hard to be present with a minimum of a 6 pack a day.

Now, without drinking, I can be present and I find that a challenge. I can deal with the notion that he's sick and afraid and feel compassion, I can deal with his dementia and be patient and try to understand, but what I can't deal with is the thought that this will drag out for (many more) years…knowing that I'll not (ever) have a partner that meets my needs.

And yet I struggle to get those needs met now due to feelings of guilt and shame as I'm "leaving" my partner. Very strange, but that's how I feel. As much as I want a partner, or even just some fun, the block is there and much of it has to do with the thought of lying to him or hurting his feelings if he found out.

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