Friday, May 08, 2009

Random snippets

Treatment burnout...

Well, I've spent so much time on recovery stuff recently that I'm just burned out on it. Not that I'll stop attending my sessions and all that, but sheesh I'm tired of hearing about drinking or not drinking. The counselor in my treatment program is having fits with me about this as it challenges much of the AA a priori dogma.

Happily, I don’t have any cravings and I rarely think about drinking…well, unless I'm in a meeting of recovering alcoholics. Question under consideration: I know that AA is tremendously helpful to many, but given that I don't struggle with not drinking …how much of this do I really have to do to keep myself sober?

Don't go to that meeting!

H is worried that I'm doing too much right now, yet he can't see that he is a big part of my overload. Work is crazy busy and he's worried that somehow I'll run into someone at my once a week treatment meeting that is from my large company and that "it won't be good for your career." He also says, "You need to focus on work and yourself, you don't have the capacity to go to a meeting." Reality check, please.

It's really more about him not understanding the facets that I juggle constantly: it's work, work, work at the salt mines, then home to do more work (make dinner, listen to his old angry stories, take care of the pets), my self care stuff (including the gym & therapist), and oh that pesky spiritual path thing. I know I need a vacation, but that won't happen until August. So, yea, I need to do a bunch of self-care stuff and I do it wholeheartedly without guilt.

Just go back to bed, would ya?

No surprise, but H doesn't have all that many good days these days. But after a slew of bad weeks, he's up and about a lot more right now. So, he's up early with me, sleeps during the day, and is up when I get home. First time in literally years and, of course, I've been fancying myself a single man, so I have much dissonance about this. But, I'm not PO'd at him since I've stopped drinking and I am grateful for that.

He "just wants to be with me." I appreciate the sentiment, but all I hear at this point is neediness. I don't do well with this as he's been so bloody needy for so very, very long. But, when he's up and about and trying to be all chipper, I mostly just want him to go back to bed. Now, I don't say that, of course, but I think it and I also think to myself, "How many more years do I have to babysit?"

2 comments:

诺尔文。谢 said...

Give yourself a break and be strong. :)

It's not bad to skip one or two appoitments to have a quiet moment at other places.

elanor said...

AA can be really helpful but it also can be very narrow minded when it comes to recovery and moving on with life beyond AA.
(I have personal experience with it and also work in drug & alcohol)
If you are not wanting to drink then don't feel guilty missing meetings, you have enough to contend with without feeling even more obligations. rational recovery is another good program for quitting drinking, I would be wary of anyone suggesting AA is the only way, the evidence certainly doesn't support that even though it's does a lot of good for a lot of people.