Tuesday, April 28, 2009

So many appointments

Finished my intensive evening treatment classes and now I'm down to one evening class, an AA meeting, a psychotherapy appointment, and a massage therapy appointment weekly. So, that's 4 - 5 appointments a week…a lot I guess, but worth it.

H says to me, "Wow, so many appointments…I thought you were done with treatment."

"Well, I want to make certain I don't drink anymore and I was already going to the therapist and massage," I said. The reality of it is that I'm just taking care of myself, wanting to stay sober, and trying to figure out what my life looks like. Yup, I need the care.

"I just don't think you need to go to treatment anymore...you never drank that much," he said. "I just don't know why you're seeing a therapist...you've seen him for years already and it isn't helping our relationship."

By now, I've learned to not defend my choices or my actions. It doesn’t matter. He doesn't need to agree or disagree or approve anything that I'm doing. In this case, being silent is the high road. But, he does pout about it.

I feel a transformation underway…for the first time in a long time, I'm focused on making my life better for me. I think that H can see me changing…certainly my personality has changed since I stopped drinking and I feel peaceful…but he's afraid of that change as much he's wanted it for many years. And he's not in any position to change himself at this point…his life is continuing to shrink and he's making it worse by not accepting where he is or we are.

He keeps wanting me to be at home (all the bloody time) and, happily, these appointments give me a reason to not be while also helping myself.

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