Monday, April 13, 2009

Changing dynamics

In my treatment program class last night, we learned about how families can react when someone gets sober. In my case, I'm not certain that H knows what to do with me ("Hey, where's the asshole I lived with for so many years?").

Many marriages end in divorce after one (or both) of the spouses gets sober.

But I'm not interested in fixing my marriage, just fixing me. Right now, it IS all about me.

He can't be fixed (tho' I likely underestimate him), so my marriage can't be fixed, I think.

And do I really know who he is now? I'm assuming that he isn't capable, which is likely true. Would I have drunk so much if I thought he could be there?

And also, to the degree he WAS there, I wasn't because I was drinking too much.

I've learned that H is an addict as well…a prescribed one, but one nonetheless. I mean, he's been taking pain meds for so long now and the long-term affects on brain biochemistry are there nonetheless. Throw in significant dementia and he'll not ever be what I need, in spite of how much I love him and want that.

As I get weller and weller (sic), I’m realizing how impaired he is, but he can't get well…well, as well as I need him to be. Where does that leave me, leave us?


Greg said...

In drying out you're doing the best thing you can be doing - for both of you. Even without H's illness, I'd be saying "you can't change him, you can only change yourself". As you free yourself from the additional burden of alcohol, it sounds like you're gaining valuable insights into yourself and H and your relationship, and finding yourself coping with stuff that recently would have been too much for you. You sound a lot less mired in helplessness and more loving than before. Glad to know you're getting 'weller'.

Zacki said...

I kind of needed to see this kind of perspective laid down in words for me right now. It does sound like you are getting better. I wish you the best. I must say your new perspective on your life is refreshing to hear, and in a weird small way is helping me find some myself.