Friday, January 08, 2010

New Year's Snippets

Best Wishes
I hope that my gentle readers had a great Holiday season and New Year's celebration.

No trip for H
With H's viral load so high, he just wasn't up to the trip and so he stayed home. Really was fine with me…oddly enough. 'Twas happy that I wasn't angry.

No meds for H or are there?
At first we were told that no meds would work for H's virus, now we're being told that there *might* be an anti-viral regimen for him, pending some conversations that his virologist will be having with some of his colleagues. We just have to wait for a bit to see…but with H's viral load so high, he's fading rapidly again.

Less and less
H's decline into non-functionality is continuing, of course. Not much to say here that I haven't said before. He's losing weight, doesn't want to eat, stays in bed most of the time….

Conspiracies abound
H's paranoia is increasing…he's been worried about any number of conspiracy plots and the latest one is about the "great culling," which postulates that pandemic diseases are just a way for "them" to get rid of undesirables. Of course, H sees himself in that category. He tells me tho', that he has a way out if he needs one (assisted suicide). I wish that he weren't so afraid; very sad.

Not just H
Even tho' it is happening to H, I hadn't really seen much information on HIV dementia and accelerated aging for folks on the meds for a long time. Now, there is this article in These stories are so sad and yet oddly comforting for me as they give me some understanding of what is happening to my dear H.

Peace at home
One of my goals for this last year has been to have peace at home. For a long time, I have been filled with so much resentment and H with so much fear and frustration, that the "tone" at home was awful. I'm happy to say that it is peaceful now for the most part…me stopping drinking helped and also me working to reduce the poisonous resentment that I've held towards H. Yea, I can deal with the burden, but the resentment was just so corrosive. The key change for me was acceptance: H is like a (sick) child now and that isn't going to change, ever.

Expectations again
The father of a long-time friend is very ill with heart and kidney failure. The father's wife asked me, "What do I do? He's no longer fun to be with, he can't remember our history, what am I supposed to do? And I'm so angry at him."

"Love him and don't expect him to be the way he was. He can't be that for you anymore," I said. "That's what I've had to do with H…otherwise, I'll end up hating him and I don't want that."

As if this were so easy….

1 comment:

citygirl said...

I'm happy to hear for you that you have more peace at home. I used to get so angry and resentful towards my mom that it was just a bad scene. I knew she couldn't help the state she was in yet it took me a long time to get myself to accept that and be kinder and gentler to her. Ugh. I feel very guilty and sick thinking about the times where I was impatient with her.