Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The bane of proximity

Both H and I struggled upon my return. Once I came back, had a good night's sleep, and I needed to do something for H (make dinner), all of those resentments, fatigue...the burden came rushing back...less than 24 hours after getting home.

Yea, holding H in my arms was wonderful, but after the initial elation, it was the same ole, same ole feelings of "I don't want to be here. I am so done with this. Etc."

And H was so looking forward to my return, but of course, he, like me, had unrealistic expectations for what it would be like once I got home. It didn't turn out the way he wanted and so he's been in a major funk for over a week now.

It is the old cliché that absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is indeed the case, but I wish that proximity didn't undo that fondness so quickly.

Last night, I was sitting at the dinner table with H and he blurts out, "Can't I just die?"

I said, "I'm not certain what to say, honey."

"You don't have to say anything. I'm just tired of not being wanted...even S(his friend with benefits) doesn't want me anymore." He's crying now. And yet again, I'm stuck between wanting to comfort him and boundaries that I know need to be in place for my sanity.

And it pains me to see him in pain. In spite of it all, I don’t want him to experience pain, but that is completely unrealistic as all he has had for the past 15 years are losses.

I wonder what his experience really is. Most recently, he was expressing alarm to his nurse and me about the oil spill in the Gulf, volcanoes, floods, & earthquakes all make it likely that he won't be able to get his medications when he needs them.

In any case, the up-close view was just as I left it. I blissfully forgot the burden while I was away and the love for him took center stage, where it belongs. Another good reason for placement.

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