Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Healthier weirdness

Now that H has had his gallbladder out, he is doing much better with eating. And he's just not in bed as much. I mean, he's up much of the day now on weekends, he's tidying up the house, and starting up long-mothballed projects.

This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.

It's so strange to have someone who has been in bed for 13 of the past 15 years and now he's go from bed-ridden and terminal to talking about his hope for the future. I don't know how to be with him as a partner anymore...just as a caregiver.

And the MRI showed no changes in his brain over the last 5 years or so. I have fears it means this will just drag on and on.

I don't trust it. I don't really like it. And it pisses me off, "Where have you been the last decade, my dear?"

Oh sure, I'm happy for him that he's feeling better. But, the dissonance in my head is daunting. How do I reconcile the "I just wish you'd die already" feelings with the happiness *for him*. Well, I can't.

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