Tuesday, December 13, 2005

All roads lead to the same place

A long-time friend of ours, S, came over to visit with H a few days ago. H knew S in college and is one of the true blue friends that have stuck with us. I wasn't around when H & S visited, so I called up S to get his perspective on their visit. He talked about H spacing out when they talked...almost going to sleep...and H's denial about how sick he really is.

I asked S to validate or refute my reality: that I see H slipping away and that H knows that he is slipping, that he is quite ill...more ill that he'll admit (at least to me), needs more care than I can provide, and that H is hiding his health issues from me. Oh, and that I'm at my limit of caregiving and have been for some time.

He validated my reality. And so has H's family and H's doctor and...and.... How many more have to before I will push the button.

I've tried to pick up the phone and to get H on a waiting list at a local nursing facility with some specialty in his type of health issues. I just can't pick it up and dial...yet. Bit by bit I get up the courage to do this and I'm almost there.

Several have said that it might be a relief to H as well as to me if he goes to a care facility. H must realize that he is dependent on me and that he is becoming more so each passing week. The tough bit is that we all have to deal with our denial & bargaining for this to happen.

And guilt.

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