Tuesday, December 06, 2005

What do healthy partners do?

H has been sick for so long, I've forgotten what it's like to have a healthy partner. What do healthy couples do on the weekends? H gets up at noon, is up for awhile, goes back to bed, maybe eats dinner, is on the computer for a few hours and goes back to bed. His mind is slow and forgetful these days. Part of this is the medications, part of this is his illnesses.

Sometimes I can get him to go somewhere, but that is becoming less and less likely. He gets overwhelmed out in public, usually can't eat a meal at a restaurant, and doesn't have the attention span to sit through a movie or a play.

He sweats all night in bed and it smells like chemicals (although less than awhile ago)...no cuddling in bed for moi. Forget sex. His dick is 1/2 the size it used to be (really) and he often can't get it up, even with a prescription. Besides, his body has changed a lot and it weirds me out. He just doesn't look healthy anymore.

I still love him, tho'.

So, I've learned to entertain myself. And in some ways, I suppose that I like the quiet. In many ways, it's comforting and less stressful that being around him...it's "me time," which there is simply not enough of. Sometimes I wish that he would just stay asleep, but really I just want things to be different.

A friend came by to visit and offered to take H somewhere: shopping, see the Christmas lights, a walk...just get him out of the house. But he didn't want to go. H has often described to me how he feels safe at home and I think that this is becoming more pronounced.

Oh, and for years, I've just filled in the gaps for him; it's sorta like completing your partner's sentences, but you do it in your mind when they can't do something they used to. So, for example, if you say something and you'd expect him to respond a particular way and he doesn't respond that way or doesn't respond at all, you just fill in the blanks because your so used to how he responds. It's hard to explain, but very, very real and the mind is a trickster. As a result, it's easy to lose objectivity and you want them to be better so badly...and so you don't notice how sick they really are.

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