An upcoming anniversary

A few days ago, H said to me, "Our 25th anniversary is coming up early next year…how do you want to celebrate?"

"I don't know honey," I said.

After our conversation about our last anniversary, I really don't feel like celebrating anything.

When I thought of leaving you

Yesterday, each of us were sitting at our respective computers...backs to one another (small room). Quiet late afternoon in our office, two computer fans going.

H asks me, "Do you remember T ?"

"Yes."

"Do you realize that I almost left you for him?"

I say, "Uhhhh. No...well, yes. How many years ago was that?"

Silence.

"It's been more than 15 years now. Why would you bring it up now?" I ask.

Silence.

I continued, "Do you want to hear about all the times I thought about it, almost left you?"

Silence.

As though him leaving me would have been bad or vice versa.

It doesn't matter what we almost did, only what we actually did, which was to continue loving one another. But I know that we both have our regrets.

I still (Lord willing) will have some time on this Earth to address my regrets; he isn't certain (and neither am I) that he will have the chance.

Whining, whining, & whining

As I sit here thinking about what to write , I have to take myself to task a bit for whining in prior posts.

While I whine about how much I dislike my job, I have one that pays pretty well and provides the medical benefits on which H and I depend.

While I whine about having to do a lot for H, at least I am healthy enough to be able to do it.

While I whine about the toll that his illness takes on me (and him), it is also true that sickness is just a part of life and, of course, it is upsetting.

While I whine about just how long all this is taking (aka, that he is still alive), I do know that he is as unhappy as I am with this current situation.

I have resolved not to whine at home or to my friends about this anymore. So, y'all get it here.

But the other day, I was in a foul mood and H asks me, "What's wrong? You look dismayed, distressed...." I said, "I'm just not happy with my life right now. I hate my job and home is just depressing. When I'm here, all you do is sleep and I have to do everything from take care of the pets, to fixing the house, to paying bills, blah blah blah. It just isn't fair. Isn't there supposed to be more to life than this...?"

Since that conversation, it's pretty quiet around our house. H doesn't know what to do or say...neither do I. So, we just go on in the ways that we do.

I will say this, tho': I am glad that instead of whining, I told H the truth.

Waiting, waiting, & waiting

I've been in an odd state of transition for a long while now. Not really attached, not completely unattached, just floating and waiting.

About 3 years ago, H got very sick (again) and I was told he would die shortly. So, I got myself ready for this, as much as I think I could, and then he got better. And then he got worse. And then better. At one point, I was waiting for him to get much better, but that isn't happening, instead it is going the other way. So I am waiting for whatever may happen as I watch him slowly fade away. In many ways, I am on a drawn-out death vigil .

This is a tough wait as I have no idea what will happen when and how it will all play out. But, as a dear friend of mine has said, "Remember, it can always get worse," and I do believe that it will…it's just a question of in what way.

About 5 months ago, I interviewed for another job at the large company that I work for. The other group wants to hire me and I want to join their team, but there has been delays and so I wait and sit in a job I don't care about and has no future for me.

This one is easier as I can imagine the end, the transition into a new role and all that entails. This outcome will be very concrete and predictable, but has been in the air for a long time

And this leads me to the biggest wait for me: waiting to move on and have a life without the responsibility to care for someone so sick in addition to taking on the responsibilities for the things he can no longer do.

These are good lessons for me (I suppose); just hang out and see what happens. Enjoying being now, in the present with all its ambiguities, instead of looking forward into the future, which is just fantasy anyway. There are gifts in the here and now and if I'm looking ahead too much, I'll miss them.

But some days, I just want to push the river, to get to that next spot on the way…where I'm not waiting for anything or anyone.