Friday, September 07, 2007

Waiting, waiting, & waiting

I've been in an odd state of transition for a long while now. Not really attached, not completely unattached, just floating and waiting.

About 3 years ago, H got very sick (again) and I was told he would die shortly. So, I got myself ready for this, as much as I think I could, and then he got better. And then he got worse. And then better. At one point, I was waiting for him to get much better, but that isn't happening, instead it is going the other way. So I am waiting for whatever may happen as I watch him slowly fade away. In many ways, I am on a drawn-out death vigil .

This is a tough wait as I have no idea what will happen when and how it will all play out. But, as a dear friend of mine has said, "Remember, it can always get worse," and I do believe that it will…it's just a question of in what way.

About 5 months ago, I interviewed for another job at the large company that I work for. The other group wants to hire me and I want to join their team, but there has been delays and so I wait and sit in a job I don't care about and has no future for me.

This one is easier as I can imagine the end, the transition into a new role and all that entails. This outcome will be very concrete and predictable, but has been in the air for a long time

And this leads me to the biggest wait for me: waiting to move on and have a life without the responsibility to care for someone so sick in addition to taking on the responsibilities for the things he can no longer do.

These are good lessons for me (I suppose); just hang out and see what happens. Enjoying being now, in the present with all its ambiguities, instead of looking forward into the future, which is just fantasy anyway. There are gifts in the here and now and if I'm looking ahead too much, I'll miss them.

But some days, I just want to push the river, to get to that next spot on the way…where I'm not waiting for anything or anyone.

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