Monday, December 24, 2007

Reframing this Christmas

My best wishes to all of you for a Happy Holiday Season and, for those of you who celebrate it, a Merry Christmas!

After having two months off of work now (!), I've realized that it is harder to not place H than to place him. Rather than a clean set of boundaries and rules…created by a clean break (sic)... it is all a swirling mush of gray.

He'll have to go somewhere at some point, but in the meantime I need to get my needs met elsewhere and somehow deal with my grief and other issues while he continues to believe that our relationship can get better.

Good idea or not, I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. I am just not a good actor. It is hard to know how to be genuine when doing that hurts the man you love.

Snap! Caught that guilt tripping?

The answer is to just love him and be genuine, kind, and speak your truth. Realize that he is a child in many ways, can't meet your needs anymore, and just can't understand what is happening. Try to hide what you need to do that will hurt him or that he has no need to know. Yet...holding back in this way does not feel right after 25 years with this man.

H has been back from a visit out of town for about 6 weeks now. He has since spent 4 of those weeks in bed, first with seizures and now significant fatigue as his viral load goes up as his current antiviral med effectiveness wanes (again).

While I don't mean to be cruel, what happens with him doesn't matter in many ways. I believe that he will get sicker and die sooner rather than later and my life will go on and I will be the one that has to make it all work for me. I just can't allow what is happening with him to bring me to my knees emotionally, physically, & psychologically again.

My focus has to be take care of me. Nice sentiment this time of year, no?

2 comments:

Y | O | Y said...

Just remember you are doing the best you can in a really shitty set of circumstances.

I don't mean to sound nasty, but why couldn't he have been sick when he was away and healthy when he came home? I know it isn't his doing but that would have given the family a dose of reality. Is it possible that he was sick when he was away, but they told you different to manipulate you???

I think of you often even though I only know you from here. (That and $10 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbuck's.)

Anyway, Merry Christmas!

Elanor said...

you are right about taking care of yourself first, life is going to go on regardless and you need to be as well as you can be for whats ahead,

I've decided trying to prevent the decline with dementia is like trying to hold back the tide, it's Impossible ...and it knocks you off your feet,

take care :)
take care and