Friday, January 11, 2008

Driving blind

It started with a talk about his depression.

He told me that I am in his way. And I told him that he is in mine. Sigh.

Not only is in he in my way, but I don't even know what my way is. (I didn't tell him this.)

While life may be a highway that you travel blind, there's a giant truck in front of me, blocking my view (of (likely) all the brake lights ahead).

I think that I have focused too much on him and his issues. Over 60% of placements happen because of caregiver exhaustion. Yup, I was there. And I was there because his issues and care had taken center stage in my life. It's hard because I care deeply, but that doesn't mean I have to make his issues so large in my life. Hmmmm, I believe I lost me my perspective and it cost me dearly.

I told him that I know that he would make it better if he could. Just like I would.

In any case, the cost to me is so very high. And it's all drama that gets in the way of me doing what I need to do, sucks the life out of me.

I need to start my work now to get him into his proper place (sic)…but he gets all the attention and I need to change that. All of my energy has been going to him, my horror and grief over what I'm seeing is draining me. And if I'm not careful, I'll find him dead and me not having laid the groundwork to go on afterwards.

Now, if I could just see around that truck.... In the meantime, how about listening to the radio and making the best use of the time I have.

No comments: