Burnout = divorce

During dinner last night, I was chatting with H and he was after me for my "flat, sarcastic delivery" about how much Christmas costs every year and how I'm trying to manage that down for this year.

I said that I didn't mean to be sarcastic, but I'm just tired and burned out.

He looks at me intently and says, "Well, we should just get a divorce." And he goes on from there about an attorney, selling the house, whatever....blah, blah, blah.

I said in a flat, tho', not sarcastic voice, "Well, if that's what you want." Truth be told, at least this would be one way out of this mess.

He flies into another tirade about something related to whatever, whereby I get up from the dining room table and walk away.

What's striking to me is that this is the same M.O. that his family has: whenever I raise my experience and my struggles with caring for H, I get the consistent comment, (sigh) "Well, I guess that means divorce then."

While I understand that no one in the family will take H, what I don't understand is how little empathy there is for my struggles caring for him.

Why is it that saying something is hard for me causes these folks to jump to divorce?

Perhaps this is all just their guilt, but I think that the motives are much more pedestrian: money. They all know that I support H and without me, who will or can? If it's labelled divorce, then maybe he or they get a settlement?

Later in the evening, H is all mopey and affectionate. After a bit of TV, I go off to bed in the guest room.

At this point, I have to confess that I don't care much anymore, really.

Counseling our marriage

Up early today and busy with getting ready for a house project that involved moving some furniture, etc. Great anxiety for H as "someone is coming early in the morning and I have to have my breakfast made before they get here." So, we're both up early today.

I'm sweeping and just moving stuff around and H asks me, "Can we get some marriage counseling? I don't want to be here if we're not having sex."

"Uhhhh, sure," I answer, but not meaning it. He'll likely forget he asked me about this and I don't really care much anymore about the outcome anyway. Frankly, I would prefer to live alone and have wanted to for many years now.

And I didn't say what I was thinking, "I don't want to be here at all anymore either. I told you I was done years ago and I've said that over and over again. What part of "I'm done" don't you get?"

His question did make me sad, very sad. Our time as lovers is over and, even tho' I know this to be true, I'm very sad about this. Not only am I sad due to what H and I have lost, but I'm also sad because I want what he wants and likely as desparately as he does, just not with him.

And I just don't want to tell him "No" again and again and again.

For my new readers, sex has been a issue with H and I for awhile now. His doesn't work and I just end up in tears and can't do it. Very sad.

One bright spot is that maybe counseling will help him move on, but it hasn't in the past. We've been here before and nothing changes. Nothing at all. Sometimes, in my more irrational moments, I fantasize that he'll want to leave so that I don't have to be the bad guy and "kick him out"...sure, I'll continue to help him, but I won't have to live with him anymore.

What I can say is that it is unreasonable for me to expect him to change in any way. He just can't. And he'll never leave under his own steam.

While H may have lost some of his mind, I am losing more and more of mine as time goes on.

Yup, sometimes I just want him to die...but mostly, I just want it to be different.

Driving blind

It started with a talk about his depression.

He told me that I am in his way. And I told him that he is in mine. Sigh.

Not only is in he in my way, but I don't even know what my way is. (I didn't tell him this.)

While life may be a highway that you travel blind, there's a giant truck in front of me, blocking my view (of (likely) all the brake lights ahead).

I think that I have focused too much on him and his issues. Over 60% of placements happen because of caregiver exhaustion. Yup, I was there. And I was there because his issues and care had taken center stage in my life. It's hard because I care deeply, but that doesn't mean I have to make his issues so large in my life. Hmmmm, I believe I lost me my perspective and it cost me dearly.

I told him that I know that he would make it better if he could. Just like I would.

In any case, the cost to me is so very high. And it's all drama that gets in the way of me doing what I need to do, sucks the life out of me.

I need to start my work now to get him into his proper place (sic)…but he gets all the attention and I need to change that. All of my energy has been going to him, my horror and grief over what I'm seeing is draining me. And if I'm not careful, I'll find him dead and me not having laid the groundwork to go on afterwards.

Now, if I could just see around that truck.... In the meantime, how about listening to the radio and making the best use of the time I have.

3 goals, just 3 seemingly impossible goals

More visits from friends over the holidays. Our long-term friends give me the benefit of the doubt and want to have a conversation with me about where H is at. Those who see H regularly are very worried about him and see what I see. Those who don't are wondering WTF?

And so I am bringing some of them up to speed with my 3 goals and let's be realistic, he's dying…slowly. Yup, new meds…who knows how long. Been here before…death's doorstep and then a magic recovery. I will believe it when I see it.

My three goals are to do the best I can to ensure:

- His well being, so that he gets the medical and mental health care that he needs (as well as the practical things, like food and shelter)
-My well being, so that I can work and be emotionally more stable that I've been (maybe even find a way to enjoy life again)
-The well being of our relationship (I am rapidly giving up that there is any hope here at all and it breaks my heart)

I don't see how to solve the equation for all three goals here. Solving for one of these is hard enough. Right now, I can't seem to figure out how to address any of these.

In any case, it is just more of the same: more drama, more drama and I don't get a benefit from it. And it's all drama that gets in the way of me doing what I need to do so that my life works for me.

Issues about H consume my life (there is so much to do and so little payback), my emotional energy, and dare I say even my well being. My choices are to try to minimize what it costs me (in some way that I don't understand) while he is still here, get him placed (hope waning now), divorce him or him me, or just disappear, which seems remarkably appealing at this moment.

Regardless of how this plays out, I do know that I am done having this cost me so much, but I don't know what to do about that. I wish that I could just make it stop.

When one goes out, the others stay lit

Each year, I care less and less about days of note: Christmas, our anniversary, our birthdays, Valentine's Day. And while I understand that days like these are difficult for many, what is hardest is that I just don't feel like celebrating with H anymore. Why celebrate when you are so profoundly unhappy?

Yet, H wants to celebrate and uses guilt as a way to try to get me there too. Doesn't work. The MO is that if you don't agree with whatever they want, then the guilt comes out to push you there. "You don't want a tree? You've never liked Christmas, it's always a struggle to get you to do anything. "

Now that the seizures are under control and the Holidays are here…no, I really don't want to get a tree and I really don't care about Christmas. More of the same....

Bit by bit our relationship deteriorates and I'm more content than I like, just watching it float by. No kisses in the morning, no kisses going to bed. Another piece gone and then another. Over time, as our life together continues to shrink, only the love remains...for now. I am worried that we will end up hating one another if this goes on.

What the hell am I doing here?

H was crying in the kitchen this morning, "Why is my life this way? I hate my life."

Indeed.

Do you see what I see?

While H's family may not see what I see, in many ways, it doesn't really matter. They are just playing out a script that they have: it can't be H's health…our son/brother is not dying…it must be you, (a single man's name). They equate me trying to address "he needs more care (really), I need to focus on work, and our relationship is suffering" with divorce.

Ironic that they equate my efforts to help H and me as me wanting to divorce him. Such BS.

H was gone for a few weeks and had been home for about the same when the seizures started again.

Petit mal seizures this time; they got the grand mal seizures under control (finally) about a year or so ago, but he still has minor episodes. They start with just his hand, then his mouth…after a few days, he could not really use his hand, eat without drooling, or even walk down the hallway WITH HIS CANE without bouncing a few times off the walls. And each day he got more and more confused…seen this all before.

We've seen his neurologist, who says, "I don’t know what to do if upping his current meds don't work," in spite of him being one of the top guys in his field in this area. We'll talk with him again tomorrow.

Good news is that H's seizure episode seems to be winding down, but he sleeps even more now with double his regular neuro med dosages.

I find the irony delicious that after H's family told me "he's fine (sic)," H has had another unfortunate episode, which has rendered him unable to care for himself much the past few days (e.g., usually he can dress himself, but I've needed to help him this week). Likely, it will take another week or two for him to bounce back…even so, it seems that with each seizure episode, even "small" ones, he loses ground overall.

I must say that one of H's sisters has been very understanding and supportive. She is the only one of the nuclear family set that hasn't gone on the attack, questioning my judgment, experience, and motives.

The sad thing is that if H and his family don't support me in my efforts to address this situation (instead of denying it further), I may need to actually do a divorce just to get him the care he needs while also saving myself. So much for trying to improve our relationship for the time he has left.

Just one of those great self-fulfilling prophecies…then I really can be the bad guy for the conspiracy theorists.