Counseling our marriage

Up early today and busy with getting ready for a house project that involved moving some furniture, etc. Great anxiety for H as "someone is coming early in the morning and I have to have my breakfast made before they get here." So, we're both up early today.

I'm sweeping and just moving stuff around and H asks me, "Can we get some marriage counseling? I don't want to be here if we're not having sex."

"Uhhhh, sure," I answer, but not meaning it. He'll likely forget he asked me about this and I don't really care much anymore about the outcome anyway. Frankly, I would prefer to live alone and have wanted to for many years now.

And I didn't say what I was thinking, "I don't want to be here at all anymore either. I told you I was done years ago and I've said that over and over again. What part of "I'm done" don't you get?"

His question did make me sad, very sad. Our time as lovers is over and, even tho' I know this to be true, I'm very sad about this. Not only am I sad due to what H and I have lost, but I'm also sad because I want what he wants and likely as desparately as he does, just not with him.

And I just don't want to tell him "No" again and again and again.

For my new readers, sex has been a issue with H and I for awhile now. His doesn't work and I just end up in tears and can't do it. Very sad.

One bright spot is that maybe counseling will help him move on, but it hasn't in the past. We've been here before and nothing changes. Nothing at all. Sometimes, in my more irrational moments, I fantasize that he'll want to leave so that I don't have to be the bad guy and "kick him out"...sure, I'll continue to help him, but I won't have to live with him anymore.

What I can say is that it is unreasonable for me to expect him to change in any way. He just can't. And he'll never leave under his own steam.

While H may have lost some of his mind, I am losing more and more of mine as time goes on.

Yup, sometimes I just want him to die...but mostly, I just want it to be different.