Tuesday, September 02, 2008

He needs so little and I need so much

I've been thinking about how to position H in my mind, my life, and my heart. Our relationship has changed so much over the years, especially the last 3 or so as he has been so sick.

And all this time, I kept thinking that his needs were so overwhelming. But you know, what he needs is reassurance, some help with meals, some companionship, some love. Pretty simple really. Yea, I think that he would like more, as do I, but I think he's also finally coming into reality.

I keep thinking that he is in my way and that because of that, I feel more resentment towards him than is warranted and fair.

But he isn't in my way. I just think that he is.

His needs aren't so great, I just think that they are.

But, I need a fully functional partner and all that entails. And I haven't had one of those in a very, very long time…oh, let's say 10 years or so.

So, at this point, it really isn't about him at all, but about me.


ChickPea said...

What an astonishingly candid blog you write, Mr Single Man - how honoured I feel to make your acquaintance. You find words for the indescribable. The very commitment you have devoted to H for so many years is Love Of The First And Finest Order - tho I'm sure it frequently doesn't feel like that...... All relationships change over time. All needs of both may not always be met. Finding words to communicate with The Other is sometimes the very very most difficult thing.
Mr SM - be kind to yourself. Of course you have needs. I hope the blogging is helpful. I hope the embrace I am sending you, reaches you. Multidimensional.
All very best wishes to both you and H - I look forward to calling round again.

elanor said...

I used to feel torn between a resentment and a fierce need to protect my mum from any pain at all, especially mine.
take care

Vancouver Isle Doug said...

Focus on the moment and enjoy them while they're here. What else can we do?

I just found your blog and have been glued to the screen as you delve into your thoughts. You posted the above comment at the end of one entry. It may sound so simple but I think it really sums it up. I am lucky enough to be happily married to a wonderful guy and both of us are healthy, so I can't really feel your specific pain. But, I lost my mother 9 years ago to cancer and I cared for her for a couple years while she was sick. Basically I put my life on hold (I was not married at the time) to care for the one person that meant the absolute world to me. Yes it took a lot out of me but, looking back, I would not have done anything different. It does get hard to cope but somehow we muster the strength to keep going and perhaps even put ourselves last.

I'll be coming back here for new thoughts from you. In the meantime you will be strong and you will do what you know is right. So enjoy the time you have left, with all its' ups and downs, for you will come out of this a stronger person.

Landis said...

Dear Asingleman,

You should definitely be defining your needs. You are right in that he only needs very little at this point as you carry him towards the denoument. You have a whole life outside. Please do not feel bad about addressing your needs physical, mental, or emotional.

If anything, something like that would prepare you better in managing the rest of H's life. To be absolutely cold, you need to function and provide him with medical care.

Go ahead and address your needs. I wish you well.