Wednesday, September 10, 2008

How do you be?

I have a hard time separating out my love and desire to care for H from our history as lovers, romantic partners, spouses, soul mates.

He so wants the romance, the way it used to be, and of course gets reassurance from me when I provide the kiss, hug, etc. I don't get any reassurance from H when he returns the favor. All I can hear in my mind is a voice screaming, "I am done with this."

Yea, I want that too...just not from him anymore.

I am done with that. For many years now, I've gone through many motions (sic) to give him that reassurance. But it get harder and harder to fake it.

And so I struggle with feeling guilty about just not wanting the romantic part from him anymore and, more to the point, dealing with his reaction about that.

The dilemma is that I love him and I know that he needs that attention (we all do), yet I just don't want to do that with him anymore.

But the real question is: How do you continue to live with someone when you are done with the romantic part, yet you desparately want that, but not with this man? And yet I love him and want the best that I can do for him.

The reality is that after being his caregiver for so long, I can't be anything but that (albeit a caregiver that loves him deeply).

Just smack his butt, etc. and make him feel good when smacking his butt is the last thing I want to do. It's not about what he needs anymore, other than the caregiving part.

How do you be under these circumsances? How am I supposed to interact with him? How are we to spend time together? What are we, then?

Neither of us likes where we are, yet here we are.

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