Living with courage

Back at work less than a week now. As I've written before, I just let H and all his issues become too central to my life and it cost me dearly.

What I've realized now is that I've just been waiting for him to die in order for me to start thinking about and acting on creating that new life, post H, for myself. This in spite of the fact that he's dying now, albeit slowly.

One example of this is that I've shied away from management roles ever since H got sick, but even more so in the past 3 - 5 years or so. Why? Fear. Fear that I won't be able to handle the job because of issues with H and all that. One side effect of this is that I resent H for "holding me back," which isn't fair as it has been me all along.

But I've always loved managing teams and, if I do say so myself, I've been successful at it. And I've done it off and on for 20 years.

And so upon my return (and much to my surprise), I'm being recruited for a management job (which I WILL take) in the team that I talked with last year.

Well, the web is a wonderful and evil place and I found a great article about making the choice to make choices as though you have no fear. (This whole site is awesome, BTW.)

As part of my getting ready for live after H, I have to have courage (taking action in spite of fear) and pursue things that are a scary. Whatever happens, I know that I can deal with it.

After spending so much time with H the past few months (and years), I've just down shifted to meet his level and have been kinda stuck there.

Now that I'm back at work and not burned out eanymore, wow…people here are really smart and I've missed that. I find it incredibly energizing, exciting, and yes, scary.

The sad thing about all this is as I re-engage and do my best to go after whole heartedly what I want, it is much clearer just how far H is lagging. Happily, going for what I want makes it easier for me to keep H's issues in their proper place in my life.

I have this picture in my head of me accelerating into my life ahead and him decelerating, stumbling and falling. While I know that he is excited for me and my new position, he's worried that I won't be around so much anymore. And it's even more obvious to both of us just how far behind he is falling.

The challenge is not just to act with courage, but to also act with compassion since he can't keep up anymore.