Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Are you strong enough to be my man?

As I've mentioned here before, one of the hardest aspects of H's illness is that he's just not there for me anymore. There as in emotionally there, able to support me as I watch him slowly fade out, watch him die slowly. He's in so much denial and dementia that he just thinks I'm overreacting and that everything is "fine," especially since the new anti-viral meds seem to be helping him (e.g., he's thinking better, he feels more energetic).

At one point (many years ago now), he was strong enough to be there for me, but cannot do that anymore as the support I need is about him and what is happening to him.

Yup, the meds are pulling him back from the brink again, but that doesn't change a lot for me…he's still got dementia, delusions, and poor health and mostly it just means (I'm sorry to say) that this whole thing drags out longer. I guess I should feel relief, but I don't.

But I find it hard to be there for him too. Last night, he was talking with me about how he's not sleeping well, how much his chest hurts (a known med side effect), that he feels nauseous, that his feet hurt, he's wobbly when he walks, he's very tired, and on and on and on. I told him that I'm sorry that he has so much to deal with and that he has gotten more than his fair share of health issues and that I wish it were different.

But I couldn't bring myself to hug him or tell him that I love him (even tho' I do) or that it will be all right….because deep down I know that it will never be all right. My truth is that it is NOT all right and it won't ever be can't be for me, anyway.

And so, like he can't be there for me in a way that helps me, I can't be there for him in the way that I want to either. This is just one of the many reasons why placement made so much sense.

I wonder if I'm strong enough to be his man (for however long this takes).

1 comment:

Bigg said...

Wow. Reading your blog has given me a lot to think about... Mostly because I'm looking at a similar situation from the other side.