Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Oh, what a busy day I've had

Work continues to ramp up for me and I'm home less and less these days. OK with me as I appreciate the er ah, stimulation. But of course it is stressful for H for me to be gone so much.

As a result, he's had to do more himself. Now, I don't mean stuff like paint the house, but stuff like take care of medication refills, getting to Dr. appointments on his own, dealing with workers at our house as they wrap up some projects, and maybe the occasional trip to the store or McDonald's.

So I get home after a 10 - 12 hour day and I'm pooped. It's dinner time and I am the cook, so I start on that.

"How's your day?" H asks.
"Busy, filled with fire drills. It was fine, tho'. Just work."
"Mine was really busy: got up, made breakfast…(long pause as something loud came on the TV)…set up my pills...took my pills, played with the dog…have you treated them for fleas yet?... went to the pharmacy…(another long pause…30 seconds or so)...felt sick, watched TV, and took a nap, made a sandwich, then another nap…." H says.
"Wow that's a lot," I say.

And it is, for him. But for me…that sounds like a day off, especially the nap parts.

I struggle with my feelings of resentment driven by feeling overwhelmed at having to take care of the entire household and work - and with my grief at losing my partner bit by bit.

The hardest part is that there is no way that he can understand just how difficult it is for me, what I have to do everyday, or how much he continues to slip and I have to pick up any slack.

So, he can't understand and his family is cluelessly in denial. Sheesh.

Realistically, what can he do about it anyway?

Wish I had something insightful to say about it, but it just keeps droning on - grinding on me - and I don't see any relief here. No wonder I got so burned out last Fall. Now, I can get all self-help here and say that it's how I saw it, not what it is. But I know that's not true.

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