Thursday, February 18, 2010

Whine, whine, whine

The malaise is striking...what I'm finding is that I'm as busy as ever, but I don't care all that much anymore. It's not depression so much as just being bored with it I go through all the motions of being a good employee, a good caregiver. No surprise, but none of this seems important or even fulfilling.

I'd rather be gardening. And that's what I've been doing with any free time.

Was talking with H's local sister and the comparison is striking: she's so busy with work and family, but she calls it all "boring." Not that she doesn't love her family, just that she's looking forward to the last kid leaving the nest and it can't happen fast enough. And her work is anything but fulfilling or even interesting now...even tho' she loved it in the past. Drudgery she calls her life.

She seems tired, distracted, mopey, bored, a tad bitter, "flat," and, if you look under the veneer, just a bit afraid. Tho' maybe just projecton as I feel like this too.

Maybe this is just the infamous "mid-life crisis" showing up for both of us as we hit 50. Maybe we're both just a bit burned out living the lives that we have.

Surprisingly, H mentioned to me that I should take a vacation by myself. When I've floated this in the past, he's been upset at the idea. The ironic rub is that, at this point, it doesn't seem doesn't seem, well, enough. And, of course, I'd have to arrange care for him.

When I've added time to my business trips to get a break, I've found that it isn't a respite, really; mostly it just emphasizes how lonely I feel. I'm in a strange city and while I can certainly find short-lived puerile companionship, that isn't what I really want. Well, yea, but then they go away and there you are, alone... What I'd really like is to be able to take a trip with a partner have that shared experience of travelling and being a tourist.

H suggested visiting his family down South...err, I don't think so. This is just so not a break in my mind...besides, I'm still sore at them for all of the BS that I have gotten from them, not to mention their denial, and abscence from H's life. Yea, forgiveness...don't know that I can muster that right now. Besides, I don't want to talk about H with them anymore (unless something happens) and if I see them, then that's what it will be.

Really got no friends out of town that I want to visit.

Whine, whine, whine.

H said to me once that the only way out of his situation, the only path that he can see ahead of him, is to die. His health won't get any better...this is as good as it gets, he fears.

Maybe the root of my malaise is the same: this is as good as it gets. And the only resolution is for H to die.

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