Thursday, September 29, 2005

Ride the coaster

So now, a few weeks after a very bad diagnosis, there's a new salvage regimen for H. For weeks, he's been heading downhill and now with these new meds (one is brand new to the market), he's thinking is clearer, he has energy, he's eating...all in a few days. Hard to go from getting ready for the end to now he's getting better. Again, the dichotomy rears its ugly head.

I didn't realize until just recently, and I haven't explicitly shown it to H much, just how angry I am. Not really at him, per se, but at the situation. I feel like my lover was stolen from me 9 years ago...I feel cheated. Since then, I've had to keep it all together (because he cannot work anymore) and I told H last night that I'm not certain I can do it all anymore. I'm exhausted from the past month and all the ER visits, stress, the family circus, crying marathons, and lack of sleep/food. I just feel overwhelmed, plain & simple. And really, really, really pissed off.

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