Monday, February 20, 2006

I'm so tired (& puffy)...

Yesterday, H and I are sitting in the office, him at his desk, me at mine. He starts moaning about his foot pain (neuropathy) and runs to get meds.

He sits back down and says, "I'm so tired of this (a single man's name).... I don't want to do this anymore...these pills, always chasing the pain." I say, "I understand. It's OK. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to many years. It's OK; I understand." He smiles with a bit of tears in his eyes. I want him to know that it's OK to go, that I'll be OK, that I have a plan...even tho' I'd miss (what's left of) him and the companionship at home.

He knows he's slipping again (he's been getting more confused and forgetful again) and his pain is very bad. I know that sometimes he wants to go...he is tired & depressed...he has been so sick for a very long time now.

I've heard that it helps sometimes to tell someone who is very ill that it's OK for them to go. And it really is OK with me...although a bit frightening at times. I have to say that he's receding again and has been for a long time...I live mostly with memories, many of them wonderful, now anyway as he's not here much. In many ways, I've already buried him...I'm just waiting for the formality.

They have him on some new meds...they make his feet, legs, belly, & face swell. A known side effect, but being the good fag that H is, he doesn't like it and wants to stop taking these meds.

H spent Friday night with a friend/fb of his. He said he couldn't get hard, coudn't come. No real reason to try anymore, he says.

My poor guy is so depressed. Who could blame him? Here he is a young(ish) man and it's all been taking away: health, career, friends, incredible mind (and ass!), big dick, etc. He's got the body of an old man now. We'll talk with his Dr. about either more or a different anti-depressant. In the past, changing anti-depressants hasn't really helped him much.

It's a strange thing for me: I don't feel all wacked out, tho' a little anxious. I think that I've made peace with what is likely going to happen. I can't do anything about it.... And, I do want it to happen sooner rather than later as much for his sake as for mine.

1 comment:

John said...

I'm sorry you and your guy are in such a depressing situation-life can be very harsh.