Saturday, February 04, 2006

Needs, what needs?

Earlier in H's illness...when he was too sick...I had boyfriends, for lack of a better term. And it was good. I mean, I persued 'em, had fun with them, had sex with them, and did other stuff too. H didn't know and I have no intention of telling him now, 8 years after the fact.

Now, he's know some of my bfs or fbs since then, but he's always been insanely jealous...even when he was healthy. It's worse now, I think, because he feels so insecure due to his health. At this point, I don't know if I would tell him or not...probably not.

Truth be told, the drive just isn't there right now. Oh sure, I get horny and take matters into my own hands (sic), but it just seems too much work to "find a man," for lack of a better expression. In the past, I met guys online and it worked out fine, believe it or not. Minimal flakes, no liars. Today it doesn't seem that way.

Aside from the logistics, I just don't have the energy to persue someone. Weird. Clearly, this is related to my emotional state. And, I know that it's not just a "get me off need," but a need to engage with be with someone who doesn't look sick....

Geez. H can't meet my needs and I no longer have the energy to pursue 'em. In a word: f*!@$ed (or rather not f*!@$ed).

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